How Much Time Should You Spend with Children to Foster Connection and Secure Attachment?
Authors Note (2025):
When I first wrote this article, I focused on what research showed about dedicated one-on-one time with children. That guidance remains solid, and I still recommend it. But as I've continued studying attachment research and working with families, I've learned something that changes the conversation entirely: the micro-moments happening between those dedicated sessions matter just as much, if not more, than the sessions themselves. This update integrates groundbreaking research from Dan Siegel and others on how tiny, consistent moments of attunement actually build secure attachment. If you're a parent who's been struggling to find those 5-10 minutes daily, this research is going to make your life easier.
I get this question often because as parents and caregivers, we hear that everything is tied to the connection building time we spend with our children. We also think about how much time we actually have to spend with our children, which is never enough with work, managing a household, and all the responsibilities we have in 24 hours of time. And for some parents, this may be a daunting task. They might not know how to spend quality time, might not enjoy playing or connecting in the same way as our children do, etc. Regardless, there is no need to have shame in this question or in fearing the answer. We swear it's not that bad.
Here's what I need you to understand first: you're probably already building more connection than you realize.
The Research That Changes Everything
Recent research in interpersonal neurobiology shows something remarkable: tiny, consistent moments of attunement compound more than intensive but inconsistent engagement.
Dan Siegel's work reveals that your child's brain doesn't actually need hours of your undivided attention to build secure attachment. What it needs is frequent, brief moments where they feel genuinely SEEN (not praised, not entertained), just noticed as a whole person.
Here's what that looks like:
Eye contact that lingers one extra second when they're talking to you
Acknowledging their presence when they walk into a room ("Hey, I see you")
Naming what you notice about them. Not what you need from them ("You've been humming a lot today" vs. "Did you finish your homework?")
Physical touch that isn't functional. Not pulling them out the door, just a hand on their shoulder while you're standing nearby
These micro-moments wire neural pathways in your child's brain that signal "I matter" and "I'm safe." And here's the part that will relieve you: this happens while you're cooking dinner, folding laundry, driving to school, or working from home. You don't need to stop your life. You need 30 seconds of real attention, repeated throughout the day.
Why Micro-Moments Work When Marathon Sessions Don't
Kids, especially young ones, can't sustain deep connection for long periods anyway. Their attention spans are short. Forcing extended quality time often creates pressure and performance anxiety for both of you, which actually undermines connection.
But children are constantly checking throughout the day: "Am I still on your radar? Do I still matter?" These check-ins happen dozens of times daily. Each one is an opportunity. Research shows that frequency of attunement matters more than duration of engagement.
The truth is, building secure attachment takes LESS time than what most parents are attempting. It just requires more consciousness about the moments you're already living through together.
The Power of Dedicated One-on-One Time
Now, does this mean you shouldn't do dedicated one-on-one time? Absolutely not. That research still stands, and the combination of micro-moments PLUS dedicated time is ideal.
In reality, it doesn't take that much dedicated time to deepen the attachment relationship you have with your child. Can you take ten minutes a day (or almost every day) to dedicate one-on-one time with your child? Could it be five minutes? Here is what it should look like:
Decide how much time you actually have to dedicate every day without worrying about your other commitments
One-on-one with you and your child alone (more on this below)
Put your phone away—there should be limited distractions
Name this time as you and your child's "special time"
No TV, iPad, computers, video games that act as though you're interacting, but you really aren't…
Participate in an activity your child wants to do. We aren't dictating how we spend the time
As a mother of two, I understand how difficult it is to spend quality time with each child solo. They get jealous when I am doing something, anything really, with one of them, and the other isn't involved—it's FOMO and I get it. But the importance of this connection time is to do it one-on-one so you can focus on that singular child. So, you may have to get creative with how you do it. But we understand that this can be difficult especially if children share a room, go to the same school, have the same extracurriculars and there aren't a lot of natural alone time moments. But this can be a good opportunity for older children to help problem solve the issue. Bring up the topic of wanting to spend special time with each child. And let the whole family brainstorm solutions for getting that alone time on the books. This also teaches children how important it is not to interrupt the other child's alone time because it doesn't feel good when their alone time gets interrupted. This may be a hard lesson that needs to be taught and learned by experience. But remember there is always tomorrow for more special time if it gets interrupted.
And all the more reason why micro-moments matter and make it a bit easier for parents to accomplish.
It is important to put your phone away. We don't want any distractions that take away from building connection. The same goes for TV, iPads, computers, and video games. Yes, you may be on the couch together, even cuddling up and enjoying something together, but you two aren't engaging in the same way you would if there were no technology preventing you from making eye contact, having a dialog, etc., so again, this may mean you have to get creative in what that time looks like if that is your child's preferred way of spending time with you. Trust me, my son would love for us to watch a movie as his special time, and we do that some days, but it is not our special time and sometimes he has to think about something else for us to do. Sorry kid.
The next step is to do an activity your child wants to do. We aren't dictating what the activity is (besides stipulating no technology). Why? Children have limited opportunities to do exactly what they want to do. Adults are constantly telling kids what to do, when to do it, and for what duration of time—then critiquing that activity. Let's give children the power to say what they want to do with us. That doesn't mean we can't offer suggestions, but we want to give children more practice telling us and others what they want to do. There are some good developmental aspects around this to note: If you are trying to give your child positive power moments of control, this is good practice for them. Additionally, if you have a timid or indecisive child, or a younger sibling who really gets the short end of the stick on deciding what to do, this gives the ability to put in some much-needed practice.
When you think about how one connects with another, it is usually when someone shares something with another. When your child is able to share something with their favorite person (you), it builds connection between you two. This also builds their self-esteem because it feels good to share something with someone who enjoys what you two are doing. Your special time can also become core memories of time spent together. Doing an activity of their choice also reinforces learning by the act of explaining what you're doing or showing you how to do something. And lastly, when children feel connected to adults, they are more likely to listen and follow rules and directions. If you think about it, why would anyone listen to someone they aren't connected to? They just don't do that. One solution to the problem of children not listening to their parents is always going to be to spend more time with the child to build connections that helps inspire them to listen and engage more.
Putting It All Together: Micro-Moments + Dedicated Time
Here's what I want you to take away from this updated article:
You don't have to choose between micro-moments and dedicated time. They work together. The micro-moments throughout your day create a baseline of secure attachment—your child's nervous system learns "my parent sees me, I matter, I'm safe." The dedicated 5-10 minutes reinforce that security and give your child space to lead, share, and connect on their terms.
If you're a parent who's been drowning in guilt because you can't find 10 minutes every single day—stop. The research is clear: you're building attachment security in dozens of 10 second moments you're not even counting. The key is consciousness. Start noticing when your child bids for your attention (a look, a gesture, a comment) and respond to those bids. You don't have to respond to every single one. Aim for 30-50% responsiveness throughout the day. That's sufficient for secure attachment.
And when you can carve out those 5-10 minutes? That's gold. Use it. Let your child lead. Put your phone away. Be fully there.
Building and maintaining connections with your child does not have to be a daunting task or one that takes hours to do. We are all busy parents, and our kids are busy too! But there is no reason to feel shame for being a busy parent. The hardest part of spending time with your child may just be how to fit it into a schedule that already feels busy. But ten minutes or even five minutes daily, combined with micro-moments of genuine presence throughout the day, can make a huge difference in the connection you and your child feel to each other. Can we dedicate the time to feel more securely attached and connected with the most special people in our lives? I think we can find the time!
What to Do Next:
Five minutes a day plus micro-moments of real presence really can change everything. But when you're already stretched thin, even five minutes can feel impossible. If you're tired of wondering if you're "enough," I can help you turn those small windows of time into powerful moments of connection that build secure attachment.
Book a Free Parent Consultation to explore what connection looks like for your unique family rhythm.
Feelings in Full Color Workbook gives you quick, creative activities to turn ordinary minutes into core memories.
Parenting Clarity Sessions if you're ready for a personalized plan to strengthen attachment without adding more to your already packed day.
You don't need hours to be the parent your child remembers feeling deeply connected to. You just need the right tools—and I've got you on those.
References:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Cassibba, R., Castoro, G., Costantino, E., Sette, G., & Van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2015). Attachment, unexplored territory: Reflections on attachment relationships between children and non-parental caregivers. Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 302. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00302
Kochanska, G., & Kim, S. (2013). Early attachment organization with both parents and future behavior problems: From infancy to middle childhood. Child Development, 84(1), 283–296. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2012.01852.x
Leclère, C., Viaux, S., Avril, M., Achard, C., Chetouani, M., Missonnier, S., & Cohen, D. (2014). Why synchrony matters during mother–child interactions: A systematic review. PLoS ONE, 9(12), e113571. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0113571
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. New York: Ballantine Books.
Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730500365928
