Sibling Peace Isn’t About “Always Close”
Some siblings grow up inseparable. Others spend decades barely speaking. I know both stories.
Growing up, my sister and I were opposites—she was quiet and bookish, I was outgoing and social. Our mom often highlighted these differences. The message, subtle or not, was: You are not alike. We didn’t develop the kind of shared identity that might have carried us through adulthood.
My kids’ story is different. They’re two years apart, and my daughter was born during COVID and quickly became her brother’s only consistent companion for years. They push each other’s buttons like only siblings can, but they also think of each other often, choose to spend time together, and are fiercely protective.
That contrast taught me something critical: sibling closeness isn’t just a matter of personality or luck. It’s shaped over years by the way parents respond to conflict, frame differences, and build fairness into daily life.
And here’s the surprising truth: research shows that reducing destructive conflict and closing the fairness gap matter more for long-term sibling bonds than simply increasing warmth—in most cases.
Why Sibling Closeness Matters More Than You Think
Conflict Load Is the Bigger Lever
Meta-analyses show sibling conflict is more strongly linked to internalizing and externalizing problems than warmth is linked to protection (Buist et al., 2013). That means reducing high intensity, unresolved fights often has a bigger payoff than just “adding more hugs.”
This doesn’t mean warmth isn’t important, especially after trauma, loss, or big transitions, but lowering the “conflict load” creates a more stable foundation for warmth to thrive.
Fairness, Not Equality, Builds Trust
Parental Differential Treatment (PDT) research is clear: perceived unfairness can damage sibling relationships as much as actual favoritism (Kowal et al., 2002). Kids don’t need identical treatment -- they need transparency about why differences exist.
In blended families, this can mean openly explaining why a step-sibling has different household rules or bedtimes when splitting time between homes without judgment or shaming those differences.
The Role of Developmental Science
Sibling relationships are one of the first “social laboratories” kids have. Here, they learn to negotiate, repair, and self-regulate if given the tools. In families where parents either over-control or under-support conflict resolution, kids can leave home with weaker problem solving skills and more fragile bonds.
Healthy Conflict Has Value
Not all conflict is bad. Low-stakes disagreements (when handled respectfully) help siblings practice negotiation, perspective-taking, and emotional self-control. The goal isn’t to erase conflict, it’s to make sure it’s low-damage and repairable.
Common Mistakes That Keep Rivalry Alive
1. Playing Referee Too Often
When parents step in to settle every dispute, they send the message: You can’t work this out without me. Worse, without seeing the full context, they may misidentify an “aggressor” and a “victim,” feeding perceptions of favoritism.
Refereeing should be reserved for moments of safety risk or significant power imbalance—not every squabble.
2. Over-Engineering Closeness
Forced matching: same activities, same friends, same everything can backfire. It risks erasing individuality and creating resistance to shared experiences.
3. Ignoring the Perception of Fairness
Even small imbalances in your time, physical affection, or positive attention can feel magnified to kids. Without explanation, they can become fuel for long-term resentment.
Realistic Strategies for Building Bonds
Audit Your “Time, Touch, and Talk”
Once a week, take a quick inventory:
Time: Who got more of your minutes?
Touch: Who got more physical comfort—hugs, a hand on the shoulder?
Talk: Who got more positive attention versus corrections?
If the balance is off, look for small ways to close the gap. And explain legitimate differences, like age-related privileges, so kids don’t fill in the blanks with assumptions.
For neurodivergent kids, consider tracking sensory comfort as part of “touch”—like offering proximity without unwanted contact, or co-regulating with a preferred object.
Engineer Positives—Planned and In-the-Moment
You may have heard advice to “create three 10-minute shared moments daily.” In real life? That’s not always possible. The thought of this makes me anxious thinking about how I can find time after school to do this for 30 whole minutes. Instead:
Planned: A sibling-only bedtime story, a Saturday pancake tradition, a quick board game before dinner.
In-the-Moment: Laughing together at a joke, asking one to help the other with a task, teaming up for a chore.
Even 2–3 minutes of genuine connection can build a buffer for the next conflict.
Step Back, Then Coach Repair
When conflict erupts, avoid jumping in unless safety or power imbalance demands it. Instead, coach from the side:
Name the harm (“You grabbed the toy before asking.”)
Name the feeling (“That made her feel left out.”)
Propose the fix (“Let’s try asking and waiting for a yes.”)
Gradually fade your role so kids (developmentally ready by around 8–10, but later for some) can handle more problem-solving on their own.
Special Considerations
Neurodivergence
For children with ADHD, autism, or sensory sensitivities:
Use visual “do-over” boards with step-by-step prompts.
Schedule repairs at low-sensory-load times.
Replace verbal-only instructions with visual cues or role play.
Blended Families
Step- and half-siblings often enter the relationship with different histories and loyalties. Fairness still matters, but pacing and respecting prior bonds is key. Naming and validating those histories helps build trust.
Cultural Norms
In some cultures, fairness is role-based, not equal treatment. In collectivist or caregiving-heavy contexts, older siblings may have distinct duties. Naming the value of these roles helps maintain respect and connection.
Life Stage Shifts
Expect sibling relationships to change over time. Closeness can dip in early adolescence, then re-strengthen in late teens or adulthood. Normalizing these shifts prevents parents from overreacting to temporary distance.
Over-Closeness Risks
High intimacy without boundaries, especially in adolescence, can spill into collusion or risky behavior. Closeness works best with clear, healthy limits.
Protecting Your Own Regulation
Managing sibling conflict can be draining. If you regularly read my articles, I may sound like a broken record, but seriously, if you’re dysregulated, you’re less likely to stay consistent. Build in your own pause: step into another room (I just told my husband this is a mandatory thing I need when things get heated so I have a moment to remind myself I am safe), take a breath, whatever it is you need, before coaching them through repair.
What To Do Next
Every sibling dynamic is different—shaped by personality, temperament, birth order, neurotype, family structure, and history. Generic advice will only get you so far.
That’s why I offer 1:1 Sibling Strategy Sessions—to help you reduce rivalry, build trust, and protect sibling bonds for the long haul.
If you’re ready to move from “I’m breaking up fights all day” to “My kids can work things out,” let’s build a plan that works in your home, for your kids.
Book Your 1:1 Sibling Strategy Session Here →
As always - I’ve got you,
Lauren
References
Buist, K. L., Deković, M., & Prinzie, P. (2013). Sibling relationship quality and psychopathology of children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 33(1), 97–106. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.10.007
Kowal, A., Kramer, L., Krull, J. L., & Crick, N. R. (2002). Children’s perceptions of the fairness of parental preferential treatment and their socioemotional well-being. Journal of Family Psychology, 16(3), 297–306. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.16.3.297
Feinberg, M. E., Solmeyer, A. R., & McHale, S. M. (2012). The third rail of family systems: Sibling relationships, mental and behavioral health, and preventive intervention in childhood and adolescence. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 15(1), 43–57. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-011-0104-5
