The 3 Types of Tantrums (and What Parents Need to Know About them and What to Do About Each One)
As a mom, I see my fair share of tantrums from my son and daughter at what feels like an exhaustive clip. Sometimes I can see them coming from a mile away, others feel so random I find myself looking around for answers that may not come till hours later. Sometimes I weather the storm like a pro and I feel so proud of myself for showing up, supporting my kids and giving them what I felt like they needed. Other times I fail miserably because more times than not, those tantrums come at the worst time: when we’re rushing to get out the door in the morning, when I’m dealing with one child and the other one now needs my attention, while making dinner, or when I’m simply spent and I don’t have the capacity for the yelling, tears, and stomping. So as a parent, I feel its important that other parents know the three types of tantrums we may deal with on any given moment in our days with our kids. Because how we show up for them is the difference between trust and connection with our kids.
When our children melt down, most parenting advice treats the behavior like one giant category: tantrums. But not all tantrums are created equal, not not all deserve the same response.
Understanding the three primary types: protest, release, and displacement tantrums is the key to reducing chaos, deepening connection, and building your child’s emotional regulation and emotional intelligence for the rest of their life.
This isn’t about being a soft parent, or even gentle parenting. It’s about being strategic, aware, and attuned. Let’s break it down, shall we?
WHY TANTRUMS HAPPEN: THE NEUROSCIENCE OF EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD
Tantrums are the nervous system’s SOS signal. Young children don’t have full access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logic, planning, and emotional regulation. Instead, they operate from the limbic system and the brainstem, the oldest part of the brain, the part of the brain that operates viscerally in the body and is released behaviorally.
So when a child experiences a threat (real or perceived), transitions with no or little warning, disconnection or overwhelm, their brain signals DANGER, and their body takes over.
Tantrums aren’t calculated. They’re dysregulated. And understanding what type of dysregulation is happening with your child changes everything from how we respond, how we show up, and how we support them.
protest tantrums: fighting for control
What it looks like:
loud refusal
hitting, yelling, running away
tantrums triggered by limits, transitions, or the word “no”
A protest tantrum is a fight response from the nervous system. The child’s brain perceives a loss of autonomy or safety, triggering the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, especially fear and aggression) to send a distress signal. Without enough executive function online, they act out instead of reasoning through it.
Protest tantrums aren’t about disrespect. They’re about agency. When children feel voiceless in the face of a parent or adult in charge, they fight back. Not because they necessarily want control, but because they feel like they have no control over elements of their own lives, schedules, or steps in their day.
Here is how to respond when you’re faced with a protest tantrum:
stay calm and grounded. Your regulation is contagious so work on your own regulation strategies in the small moments as practice for when your kids really need to mirror your calm.
set the limit with empathy. You can say “I won’t let you throw that. I know you didn’t want to stop playing.” When we show our children we are in control despite the circumstances, it helps them feel safe.
offer power or choices within the boundary. You can say “you can walk or hop to the car. You choose.” The boundary of leaving is still there, how they get there is your child’s choice.
The protest stop when the child feels safe and heard, now when they’re overpowered by us.
release tantrums: Nervous system overload
What it looks like:
sudden sobbing
collapsing
flood of emotions
often occurs after school, daycare, or family outings
happens with parents, usually not in public
A release tantrum is a freeze/flood response. The child has suppressed stress from holding it in all day until they reach a safe adult or environment. Their system then releases what it couldn’t afford to feel earlier.
In remembering the good inside of our children, your child isn’t “saving it for you” in a manipulative way. They trust you to support them and show up. You’re their safe place where their body finally lets go.
Here’s how to respond to release tantrums:
don’t fix, don’t distract, just be present
Offer containment by saying “you don’t have to hold it in now. I’m right here.”
Avoid teaching in the moment. Regulate first, talk later. This is where co-regulation builds emotional resilience.
Let your child release their emotions. When we interrupt this process, the body cannot complete the stress cycle, and the child’s system remains unresolved.
Displacement tantrums: misplaced emotion
What it looks like:
tantrums that seem out of nowhere
overreaction to small things (the wrong spoon, a broken toy)
usually happens hours after the actual triggering event
Displacement tantrums are emotional rerouting. A child experiences something painful or overwhelming like embarrassment, a social conflict, separation, but can’t process it then - either because they don’t have the language, the tools, or the capacity. The feeling gets stored and released later over something “safe.”
Their brain is still integrating the original stress event while their body chooses a softer landing zone for that emotional release.
We have all been there: we think our child’s tantrum is totally unwarranted, out of left field, and not worthy of such reaction. These are displacement tantrums at their core, and its not an overreaction - it’s misplacement. Their behavior makes no sense in the moment because its rooted in an earlier moment they can’t/couldn’t name or access.
Here’s how to respond to displacement tantrums:
don’t get stuck on the “what” (toast, socks, etc,) because that’s surface level. Focus on the “when".”
Say “this feels bigger than the [spoon]. I wonder if something else felt hard today.” We aren’t looking to fix the problem but provide an outlet to discuss the root of the problem. And it’s ok and normal for them not to have an answer just yet. Just as they lacked the language, tools and/or capacity during the event, they may still lack those same skills.
Normalize delayed emotion. Help them connect the dots by saying things like, “it’s ok if it came out now. That’s how feelings work sometimes.”
This is how we teach emotional literacy, not just behavior management.
Now the question alot of parents ask me:
what happens when you misread the tantrum?
Because we aren’t mind readers and we aren’t with our kids all day.
If you respond to a protest tantrum with distraction, the child escalates.
If you respond to a release tantrum with discipline, you rupture trust and connection.
If you respond to a displacement tantrum with logic, you miss the point entirely.
The solution isn’t always a stricter consequence. It’s a more accurate read of the behavior and your child. That’s what ends the cycle.
what to do next
If your child’s tantrums feel confusing, constant, or chaotic, lets decode them together.
Inside a 1:1 session, I help parents:
identify tantrum patters based on temperament, age, and stress profile
build custom responses for each type
strengthen co-regulation, predictability, and repair
You don’t need a bigger consequence. You need a clearer map of what your child’s nervous system is trying to say.
book a 1:1 tantrum session here.
explore the Emotion-Circuit Toolkit
references
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Random House.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Penguin.
