Fear of the Dark Is Normal - But It’s Not “Just a Phase” to Ignore
When we talk about nightmares two vivid memories come to mind --I can remember having my own nightmares, making the seemingly long walk alone in the dark to my mom’s room and crawling into bed with my mom – the only time we were allowed to bedshare with her. My second memory was when my mommy & me group leader told us our kiddos were of age to start having nightmares and potentially night terrors. And like clockwork, my son’s first nightmare happened. I can still hear him calling to us from his bed “mommy, daddy, I need you” and not wanting us to leave his room (he wasn’t big into sharing a bed with us, unlike his sister who needs little excuses to come crawling in).
Needless to say, if your child suddenly refuses to sleep alone, wakes up screaming, or talks about scary shadows or monsters in the dark – you’re not alone in this unpleasant part of their childhood. Just when you thought you were getting a good night’s sleep – bam! Here comes that nightmare. Preschoolers are developmentally primed to experience a fear of the dark, and for some, night terrors that seem terrifying to witness. But let’s break down what’s going on and how parents should respond to this very normal phase.
Research and expert-backed insights from psychologists and pediatricians are giving us a fuller picture of what’s happening in your child’s mind at night—and how to support them through it.
What Causes Fear of the Dark in Children?
A 2024 qualitative study of Russian preschoolers found that fear of the dark is deeply rooted in a child’s imagination, sensory sensitivity, and limited ability to distinguish fantasy from reality. This sounds totally on par with where young children are at. Researchers found children ages 3–5 described the dark as being “alive” with ghosts, monsters, robbers, and unfamiliar sounds. That sounds terrifying even for an adult, let alone a small child.
But it’s not just the dark itself—it’s what the dark represents: the unknown.
Preschoolers in the study explained that darkness made everyday things feel unsafe. A closet might become a portal. A shadow might turn into a threat. Their brain fills in the gaps with imagination—especially when they’re alone or overtired. Children can take things they’ve seen on tv, overheard, witnessed on the playground, or even played during imaginative play and turned those elements into parts of their dreams that make the nighttime and darkness a scary place.
How Night Terrors Are Different from Nightmares
Many parents confuse night terrors with nightmares, but they’re very different. According to pediatricians quoted in Parents.com and Good Housekeeping:
Night terrors occur during non-REM deep sleep, typically in the first few hours after falling asleep. The unsettling part of night terrors is that children who experiencing a night terror might scream, sweat, sit upright, thrash around, or appear panicked—but they are not fully awake – reminiscent almost of sleepwalking. Unlike nightmares, kids usually don’t remember night terrors at all. The interesting thing about night terrors is that they are more likely when children are overtired, stressed, have a disrupted sleep schedule, or are going through a developmental leap (which happens often!)
What Helps Kids Feel Safe at Night?
From the study and expert guidance, here’s what we know that can help children feel safe at night:
1. Predictable Routines: Children thrive with consistent, soothing bedtime routines. Think low lights, calming music, bath time, calm and/or pleasant books, bedtime snuggles. These help the brain shift into a sense of calm and safety before sleep.
2. Your Presence: The study found that children overwhelmingly felt safer when their parent—especially mom—was nearby. Being physically present, even if just for a few minutes longer at bedtime, can dramatically reduce fear. If need be, let your child know how long you intend to stay so you aren’t feeling trapped in their room. They can feel when you don’t want to be in there – so being honest about your time, your pre-bedtime tasks, and reminding them you are near, and they are safe can be helpful.
3. Objects of Comfort: Nightlights, lovies, stuffed animals, favorite blankets, or calming music helped children in the study feel braver. Many even said these items had protective “powers.” You would be amazed how helpful a blanket can be from shielding against the scaries!
4. Gentle Validation: Avoid minimizing their fear ("There's nothing to be afraid of"). Instead, say things like, “It sounds like that was really scary. I’m here now, and you’re safe.” This reassures without reinforcing fear. Try avoiding asking what a scary dream was about so it isn’t top of mind. My personal trick for keeping a scary dream away (that I instruct my children to do often) is to think of a really fun playdate – the best day they could imagine having, with their favorite people. Think of that and let the day play out in their minds. When a scary thought comes back into their mind, start thinking of that special day all over again. It is natural that their brains will go back to that scary dream, so let them know if that happens, this is a good tool to use.
How to Support Your Child Through Fear of the Dark or Night Terrors
Don’t wake them during a night terror. Stay nearby to prevent injury but avoid trying to force them awake. This can be more jarring for them, even when the whole situation is scary for us!
Stick to a calming bedtime routine. Dim lights, read books, avoid screens or blue light about an hour before bedtime or wind down time, and keep the energy low.
Use light intentionally. Nightlights or dim fairy lights can help make the dark feel less threatening. Explain what various shadows are in the room so they can be reassured they have nothing to fear if that shadow is only the lamp.
Reframe scary thoughts with imaginative tools. Some families create “monster sprays” or draw protective symbols as rituals that help a child feel in control. My mommy & me group leader urged us to get our kids dream catchers that my children still give credit for catching their bad dreams. Mantras can also be a great thing for children to adopt. Our family’s nighttime mantra is “I am safe. My mommy, my daddy, my [brother or sister], and doggies are all here to protect me. I am safe.” This is something we say when our kids say they are scared of the dark or have had a nightmare as something to remind them they are ok.
Talk in the morning. If your child remembers their fear or dream, gently talk through it and offer coping ideas (e.g., “Let’s give your stuffy a job to protect the room”). Talking in the morning helps children be less afraid of discussing something scary in the moment and in the dark. Things always feel lighter in the daytime. We also don’t want to discuss at nighttime and retrigger any big feelings associated with a scary dream or fear of the dark.
Be aware of what your child watches on TV. For us it was Cocomelon and Masha and the Bear that somehow sent my sons imagination into overdrive and each and every day (and I mean EVERY.DAY.) he watched either of those two shows, it gave him nightmares. It wasn’t the scary stuff. So, if you see an uptick in nightmares, think about what imagery they are watching and see if there is any correlation. Again, at this age, they have a hard time separating imagination from reality and some things may be too realistic while not even scary, that sets nightmares in motion.
Fear of the dark and night terrors are developmentally normally, especially during periods of rapid growth, imagination, and emotional development. But how we respond as parents matters. When we slow down, listen, and show up with compassion instead of frustration, we build trust. And over time, that trust becomes the foundation for emotional resilience. The ability to reassure and be there for our kids is going to make the biggest difference. A simple mantra to repeat, a pleasantry to imagine to ward off the scary thoughts, and a handy nightlight truly can do wonders.
There is no doubt anything that disrupts yours and their sleep is painful. But it is a fleeting moment in parenting. As I knock on wood to not have a child wake with nightmares tonight, or hear something they can’t put a finger on – knowing the developmental reasoning behind children’s fear of the dark, nightmares and night terrors makes it a bit easier and surely easier for us to show up for them the way you would want if you were scared of something too.
Resources
How Children Make Sense of Fear of the Dark (McCready et al., 2024)
