Fixing Insecure Attachment: Why Repair is Always Possible

The Role of Attachment in Development

Attachment relationships formed during infancy play an impactful role in a person’s physical and mental health, academic competency, motivation, trust, future relationships, and their internal working model—how one thinks about themselves and their connection to others (Bowlby, 1982; Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

As children grow older, their secure base expands beyond parents to include teachers, caregivers, peers, and eventually romantic partners. When this base is consistent and safe, children thrive.

How Insecure Attachment Forms

For numerous reasons, some children form insecure attachment patterns with their primary caregiver. Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Experiment identified three key insecure types (Ainsworth et al., 1978):

• Ambivalent attachment: Intense distress when the parent leaves, coupled with rejection upon reunion due to inconsistent care.

• Avoidant attachment: Little outward distress when the parent leaves, avoidance upon reunion, often due to chronic unresponsiveness.

• Disorganized attachment: Conflicted, chaotic behavior often linked to frightening or abusive caregiving (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2016).

Why It Matters for the Brain

Occasional misattunement actually builds resilience and coping. But when care is consistently unresponsive, the architecture of the brain is impacted—affecting stress regulation, cognition, and even long-term mental health (Dozier et al., 2008; Sroufe et al., 2005).

is my child securely attached?

At The Parenting Collaborative, attachment comes up constantly. Parents often ask: Is my child securely attached? Am I damaging our relationship when I lose my temper or fall short?

As a parent myself, I sometimes wrestle with those same fears. The stakes feel high—because they are. Yet research shows that repair is always possible (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

The Power of Repair

Here’s what I love about attachment theory: it only takes one intentional, consistent person to help a child shift toward security. Healing happens when adults:

• Respond consistently to bids for comfort, attention, and support.

• Stay emotionally available, even in tough moments.

• Set healthy boundaries with logical consequences, showing children the adult is in charge and safety doesn’t rest on their shoulders.

• Repair ruptures—apologizing, explaining calmly, and modeling unconditional love.

For insecurely attached children, unconditional love is crucial. It tells them they are safe, worthy, and loved—no matter what.

Intentional Parenting in Daily Life

Anything is repairable, and that’s beautiful. How we show up for our children—in words, actions, and presence—matters more than perfection. In the chaos of life, children notice the effort we put forth on their behalf.

What to Do Next

If you see your child clinging, withdrawing, or pushing back harder than expected, it may be about attachment. The research is clear: parents can repair, rebuild, and re-secure connection at any stage.

• Book a Free Parent Consultation to talk through your child’s attachment needs.

• Feelings in Color Workbook: Rituals and reframes to decode behavior and strengthen trust.

• Clarity + Action Package: Ongoing support for parents ready to rebuild connection.

Remember: secure attachment is built through repair, not perfection.

References:

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Basic Books.

Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Dozier, M., Stovall-McClough, K. C., & Albus, K. E. (2008). Attachment and psychopathology in adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 718–744). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2016). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed., pp. 667–695). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Sroufe, L. A., Egeland, B., Carlson, E. A., & Collins, W. A. (2005). The development of the person: The Minnesota study of risk and adaptation from birth to adulthood. New York, NY: Guilford Press.