Three Types of Childhood Aggression Parents Miss: Understanding Bullying, Friend Group Dynamics, and Victimization Patterns
The Phone Call That Changes Everything
Your phone rings during a work meeting. It's the school again. Your stomach drops before you even answer, knowing it's another incident involving your child - either as the aggressor, caught in toxic friendship dynamics, or coming home defeated once again. You've tried the standard advice: teach empathy, ignore the bullies, schedule playdates. Nothing changes. I’ve been there – on both sides and whichever bucket your child fits into, they all feel really shitty to say the least. And if your child has only been on one side of this, just know from my personal experience, neither side feels better than the other. It’s just bad and heartbreaking, and feels really hard to handle.
The problem isn't your parenting or your child's character. The issue is that childhood aggression manifests in three distinctly different patterns, each requiring specialized understanding and intervention. When we misidentify which pattern we're dealing with, our well-intentioned responses often backfire.
Understanding the Three Types of Childhood Aggression
Type 1: When Your Child Is the Bully
Children who engage in traditional bullying behavior aren't inherently cruel - they're often attempting social connection through the only strategy they've learned: dominance. Research by developmental psychologist Patricia Hawley reveals that some children use "bistrategic" approaches, combining prosocial skills (behaviors and abilities focused on benefitting others) with controlled aggression to gain social status (Hawley, 2003).
What This Looks Like:
Targeting children outside their immediate friend group
Using physical, social, or verbal advantages to control others
Behavior that doesn't respond to typical empathy training
Often occurs in environments with limited adult supervision
Traditional bullying often stems from children discovering that dominance creates faster social connections than vulnerability. When children feel powerless in other areas of their lives - whether at home due to rigid control or at school due to academic pressure - they may seek inappropriate control over peers.
The research shows something uncomfortable: the positive parenting practices that prevent cyberbullying show no protective effect against traditional bullying (Pascual-Sanchez et al., 2022). This suggests traditional bullying may involve neurological or temperamental factors that family interventions alone cannot address.
Here’s the thing, in traditional advice, we approach the issue thinking kids don’t realize they are causing others pain… but that’s not what’s happening. Bully’s are fully aware of their impact and affect on others. Teaching empathy to children who already understand they're causing pain misses the point entirely. These children are using aggression strategically, not impulsively. They need help accessing appropriate power and learning that genuine connection doesn't require dominance. Now, I am aware how sinister those few lines just sounded. Hearing strategic aggression sounds bad because it is. But that doesn’t mean if this is your child, your child is bad. Sometimes it can mean simply reframing and restructuring how they receive power and focusing on building pro-social behavior, which is not an easy feat. I talk about this in a reel on the subject HERE.
Type 2: Friend Group Aggression - The Hidden Pattern
Perhaps the most confusing for parents is friend group aggression: when children are cruel specifically to their closest friends. This isn't traditional bullying; it's a complex psychological pattern where children test loyalty and establish micro-hierarchies within their inner circle.
What This Looks Like:
Alternating between cruel and kind behavior with close friends
Creating cycles of exclusion followed by dramatic reconciliation
Friends who seem desperate for your child's approval
Children who can't explain why they stay in hurtful relationships
The Psychology Behind It: Friend group aggression operates on intermittent reinforcement (cycling between kindness and cruelty) – interestingly, it is the same psychological principle that makes gambling addictive. When kindness becomes unpredictable, alternating with cruelty, the brain releases more dopamine than it does for consistent positive treatment. Children caught in these cycles aren't staying due to low self-esteem; their brain chemistry is working against them. Similarly, the child being cruel also gets a dopamine hit from controlling others. Some children become drawn to the power rush of making others seek their approval.
Research shows this pattern often emerges when children feel powerless in family dynamics and experiment with control in relationships where consequences feel safer (Blinka et al., 2022). Children may unconsciously replicate power dynamics they observe in adult relationships - emotional withdrawal during conflicts, conditional approval, or using guilt as a control mechanism.
The Family Connection: Here is where it gets a bit uncomfortable, both because it shines a light on our home and family dynamics, as well as towing a gentle line, trying to make sure we don’t always blame the parent, which happens a lot – lets be honest. But this is a place where examining family power dynamics becomes crucial without assigning blame. Children who witness inconsistent emotional availability, conditional love, or adults using relationship manipulation will test these strategies with peers. The intervention isn't just about friendship skills - it's about understanding what relationship patterns children are absorbing at home.
Type 3: When Your Child Is Being Bullied
The traditional advice to "ignore bullies" fails because it doesn't address why certain children become targets. Victims often unconsciously signal submission through posture, voice tone, and social positioning - what researchers call "vulnerability cues" that invite continued targeting.
What This Looks Like:
Recurring victimization despite trying to ignore aggressors
Physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, or sleep disruption
Gradual social withdrawal and loss of confidence
Stories that focus on the bully rather than the broader social dynamic
The Psychology Behind It: Children who are repeatedly bullied often have nervous systems stuck in "freeze mode" meaning their brain has learned that submission equals safety. This creates a cycle where their body language, language, tone, and social presentation invite more targeting, not less.
Research shows that most bullying persists because bystanders either encourage it or remain silent. Instead of focusing solely on the bully-victim dynamic, effective intervention involves teaching children to map their social network: Who are the bystanders? Which adults have influence? Who are the "social connectors" with friends across different groups? Then figure out how your child can become positively connected to these social connectors. Set up the playdate so they can be aligned with more people who will later stand up for them.
Research by Salmivalli demonstrates that shifting bystander behavior is more effective than confronting bullies directly (Salmivalli et al., 2011). Children who learn to identify and cultivate relationships with social connectors gain protection through network effects rather than direct confrontation.
The Bridge Between Types: Understanding Overlap
Many children don't fit neatly into one category. The research reveals important connections between these patterns:
Bully-Victims: Some children cycle between perpetrating and experiencing aggression, often within the same peer groups. This suggests underlying emotional regulation difficulties that manifest differently depending on social context.
Friendship to Traditional Bullying: Children who learn that emotional manipulation works within friendships may expand these tactics to broader peer relationships, particularly when seeking higher social status. Equally, children who experience traditional bullying may become controlling within their close friendships as a way to regain a sense of power and security. However, it should be noted that there is not a lot of research on these transitions, showing that there is still a lot of imperative research to be done when it comes to aggression, bullying, and being a victim and how that may influence a child to then transition from friendship aggression to broader aggressive bullying behavior, or a victim practicing friendship aggression as a coping mechanism.
Power Dynamics: The Common Thread
Across all three types, inappropriate power dynamics play a central role. Children need age-appropriate agency and control in their daily lives. When they feel powerless at home or school, they may seek control through peer relationships.
Creating Appropriate Power Opportunities:
Rotating leadership roles in family projects based on children's strengths
Involving children in decisions that affect them (shared control – I wrote more about this in this article)
Providing age appropriate choices throughout the day
Addressing family conflicts through problem-solving rather than adult domination
Examining Family Conflict Patterns: Children absorb relationship models from adult interactions. Family members who use emotional withdrawal, conditional approval, or guilt as control mechanisms may inadvertently teach children that love and manipulation can coexist.
Moving Beyond Blame: A Collaborative Approach
The research consistently shows that aggressive behavior typically stems from unmet emotional needs rather than inherent character flaws. This reframes intervention from punishment-based approaches to understanding-based strategies.
Strategic Vulnerability Training: Instead of teaching empathy to children who already understand their impact, help them practice emotional vulnerability in safe contexts. Children who can acknowledge their own struggles and fears are less likely to attack perceived weakness in others.
Relationship Pattern Recognition: Teach children to recognize when someone is using emotional manipulation and when they're using it themselves. This builds "power literacy" - understanding how influence and control operate in relationships.
Environmental Modifications: Sometimes the most effective intervention involves changing the context rather than the child. This might mean:
Advocating for better supervision during unstructured school times
Creating multiple pathways to social status and recognition
Addressing systemic factors like classroom climate or family stress
When Family Interventions Aren't Enough: Red Flags for Professional Support
While family-level interventions can address many aggressive behaviors, certain patterns require professional assessment:
Persistent callous-unemotional traits that don't improve with increased family connection
Escalating aggression despite consistent environmental modifications
Behaviors that don't respond to positive parenting approaches after 3-6 months
Evidence of conduct disorder symptoms (aggression toward animals, property destruction, serious rule violations)
When aggression appears driven by neurological differences in impulse control rather than environmental factors
These indicators don't reflect parental failure - they signal that additional support is needed to address underlying neurological or trauma-related factors.
What To Do Next
If you recognize your child in any of these patterns, you're not alone, and you haven't failed as a parent. These behaviors often represent rational adaptations to environments or attempts to meet legitimate needs through inappropriate strategies.
Immediate Steps:
Identify which pattern most closely matches your child's behavior
Examine family power dynamics and conflict resolution patterns
Look for environmental factors that may be contributing to feelings of powerlessness
Book a 1:1 parenting consultation to find strategies that address what is driving aggression, understanding real needs behind behavior, and help build your child’s social confidence.
Consider whether professional assessment is needed for persistent patterns
Professional Support: If your child's aggressive behaviors persist despite consistent family interventions, or if you notice the red flags mentioned above, seeking professional guidance isn't an admission of failure - it's responsible parenting. A child development specialist can help distinguish between behaviors that respond to family interventions and those requiring specialized therapeutic support.
The goal isn't to eliminate all conflict from your child's social life - some degree of social navigation and boundary-testing is developmentally normal. Instead, we're working to ensure that your child develops healthy relationship skills and appropriate ways to meet their needs for connection, agency, and social belonging.
Your child's aggressive behavior is telling you something important about their inner world. Understanding the message is the first step toward creating lasting change that serves both your child and their community.
References:
Blinka, L., Stašek, A., Šablaturová, N., Ševčíková, A., & Husárová, D. (2022). Adolescents' problematic internet and smartphone use in (cyber)bullying experiences: A network analysis. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 28(1), 60-66.
Hawley, P. H. (2003). Prosocial and coercive configurations of resource control in early adolescence: A case for the well-adapted machiavellian. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 49(3), 279-309.
Pascual-Sanchez, A., Mateu, A., Martinez-Herves, M., Hickey, N., Kramer, T., & Nicholls, D. (2022). How are parenting practices associated with bullying in adolescents? A cross-sectional study. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(3), 223-231.
Salmivalli, C., Voeten, M., & Poskiparta, E. (2011). Bystanders matter: Associations between reinforcing, defending, and the frequency of bullying behavior in classrooms. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 40(5), 668-676.
