Shared Control: The Missing Link in Raising Responsible, Less Risky Teens
Why Parents Try to Control Teens—And Why It Backfires
By the time children hit adolescence, most parents are deep in the trenches of worry. They're worried about drugs, alcohol, driving, peer pressure, grades, sex, social media, and safety. With so much at stake, it's no wonder many fall back on control as a form of protection.
But here’s the paradox: Teens are wired to test limits. The brain regions responsible for reward-seeking and novelty explode during adolescence; before the prefrontal cortex (responsible for judgment and planning) fully matures (Casey, Jones, & Hare, 2008). That is a scary fact - no doubt about it. But risk isn't a failure of parenting. It’s a feature of teen development that they are going to bound into regardless if we are ready and accepting of it or not.
When parents react with more restrictions, tighter rules, and zero negotiation, teens don’t become more obedient. They often become more secretive. Research confirms this: controlling parenting is associated with increased risk-taking behavior, lower executive functioning, and reduced emotional regulation in teens (Soenens & Vansteenkiste, 2010).
In contrast, shared control fosters trust, responsibility, and mutual respect. And it gives teens the one thing their brains crave: practice at autonomy, with a safety net.
What Is Shared Control?
Shared control is not permissiveness. It's not "do whatever you want."
It means inviting teens into the rule-making, limit-setting, and consequence-building process. It's a joint process of setting curfews, deciding consequences, and planning how freedom is earned back after a mistake.
In practical terms, it sounds like:
"Let’s talk about what time feels safe for you to come home."
"What do you think should happen if the rules aren't followed?"
"I want to trust you, and I also need to keep you safe. Let's find the line together."
This is not giving up control. It's transferring some of it, with support. It turns rules into a relationship.
The Research Behind Power Sharing
Several studies back this approach:
Deci & Ryan's Self-Determination Theory (2000) shows that autonomy-supportive parenting increases internal motivation, accountability, and emotional well-being.
Padilla-Walker & Nelson (2012) found that adolescents who report greater decision-making input also report less antisocial behavior and more prosocial decision-making.
Steinberg (2001) emphasizes that authoritative parenting (high warmth, high expectations, and flexibility) leads to the best teen outcomes including fewer risky behaviors.
In fact, teens involved in setting their own boundaries often create stricter ones than their parents might have imposed. Their rules are often more punitive, because they understand what’s at stake and want to be seen as responsible (Tartari & Hsin, 2015).
Real Life Example: The Prom Curfew
One of my clients was preparing for prom with her daughter. The mother had planned a 1am curfew and a one week grounding if missed. But when they discussed it together, the daughter set an 11pm curfew and proposed a two week restriction with no phone privileges if she was late.
Why? Because she took the conversation seriously. She felt respected. She wanted to show she could be trusted.
This is the power of shared control. When teens are involved in setting boundaries, they internalize the importance of those boundaries. That reduces the need for power struggles, yelling, or last-minute negotiations.
But What If My Teen Isn’t Ready?
That’s a valid concern. Shared control isn’t a one-size-fits-all handover of power. It’s a sliding scale. As teens demonstrate executive functioning and responsibility, they earn more autonomy. If they make poor choices, you tighten the reins without taking control of the reins completely. Not out of punishment, but as feedback.
And yes, the fear that they’ll propose late curfews or no consequences can be real for some teens, in which case you continue the conversation to find a place that feels allowable. But in most cases, teens who feel seen and heard are not trying to push boundaries to the extreme. They're trying to be treated like the emerging adults they are.
And if they do struggle to make balanced choices? That’s data. It tells us where support, not more control, is needed.
Shared Control vs. Over-Permissions
On the flip side, some parents fear being too authoritarian and swing too far into passivity. But lack of structure doesn’t create freedom. It creates confusion.
Research shows that adolescents without clear expectations or consistent boundaries report higher anxiety and more behavioral issues (Baumrind, 1991). Teens need to know someone is steering the ship but they also need to learn how to take the wheel for their future and imminent emergence into the real world.
Shared control says: You get to practice now, with me beside you.
What to Do Next: A Framework for Power-Sharing with Teens
Start With Values: Clarify the why behind your expectations. Safety? Sleep? Trust? Share that with your teen so they understand your reasoning and the bigger picture
Open the Door to Collaboration: Ask for their input. What feels fair? What do they think works?
Set the Structure Together: Curfews, phone rules, expectations: discuss them early, don’t dictate them.
Anticipate Mistakes: Plan consequences ahead of time, collaboratively. Let natural consequences lead. Doing this saves you from setting a consequence when you ae mad, disappointed, or triggered by their behavior. It also saves you having a long, hard conversation when a plan has derailed because your teen is fully aware of the consequences that have been set in place (that helped constitute).
Adjust Based on Data: If your teen handles freedom well, maintain or loosen the reins. If not, tighten with support. Go on based on what their actions are showing you and not on their chronological age or your expectations of their abilities.
This isn’t about being the "cool parent." It’s about building a teen who knows how to make decisions, own their actions, and return to you when life gets messy.
What To Do Next
If you’re ready to shift from power struggles to partnership, book a 1:1 parenting consultation session. We’ll decode your teen’s wiring and build a plan rooted in developmental research, emotional safety, and real-world tools. Shared control isn’t just a theory. It works.
I’ve got you, as always,
Lauren
By Lauren Greeno
Child & Adolescent Development Specialist, Parenting Coach | Founder, The Parenting Collaborative
References:
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., & Hare, T. A. (2008). The adolescent brain. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1124(1), 111-126.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.
Padilla-Walker, L. M., & Nelson, L. J. (2012). Black hawk down? Establishing helicopter parenting as a distinct construct from other forms of parental control. Journal of Adolescence, 35(5), 1177-1190.
Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review, 30(1), 74-99.
Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent–adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1-19.
Tartari, M., & Hsin, A. (2015). When choice leads to accountability: The effects of shared decision making on adolescent behavior. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 44(8), 1465-1478.
