What Looks Like Laziness Is Usually This

When things get hard, when I should be able to figure something out, when I have to power through something I usually don’t want to do, I have a mantra that has carried me through: “My name is Lauren Greeno and I can do anything.” And then its time to get it done. It has a pretty high success rate, and is the motivation I need to get things done. So I passed this on to my kids. You will often hear me asking them “what’s your name?” and they roll their eyes and say their name and mantra. My hope is that one day it will help them motivate the way it has for me. And to remind them that when no one else seems like they believe in them, I do – even if they fail, I will acknowledge the effort they put forth.

 But at some point in our life we’ve encountered the kid who shuts down at homework. It may have been you. I can remember times when I definitely have. Or you’ve seen the student who wont even try. The child who says “I’m bad at this, I’m not doing it” before the assignment has even been explained. Adults often interpret this as laziness or lack of motivation. But what if that assumption is not only wrong, but harmful to kids and their intrinsic motivation?

 A recent article in The Atlantic (“The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid,” 2025) explores the idea of “islands of competence,” a term coined by psychologist Robert Brooks, that is what a child is successful or has strength in. Brooks’ main point is that kids thrive when we focus on what they can do instead of punishing them for what they struggle with. This is a powerful point, but always one to dig a bit deeper, I want to make this imperative point: we don’t just need to shift how we motivate our kids, we need to fundamentally rethink the label of laziness.

The truth is, the label of laziness is surface level and doesn’t notice that struggle is a bodily signal. What looks like laziness is often a nervous system in fight, flight or freeze, or an executive function gap, either in working memory, task initiation, or cognitive flexibility, or an internalized fear of failure, or even a learned protective strategy against shame of either struggle or failure.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child highlights a key fact, when he explains “kids do well if they can.” When they are not doing well, the first questions should be: what is getting in their way?

Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of The Yes Brain, reminds us that kids build resilience through safe struggle, meaning they have to feel safe and supported to be motivated to continue despite struggle. Shame-based compliance only solidifies internalizing feelings that prevent children from any feelings of fight or flight. Children need to feel psychologically safe before their cognitive load can increase. In other words, motivation cannot exist without safety.

What We Are Missing:

Here is what often gets overlooked in homes and classrooms:

-          The actual root of “laziness” is stress, overwhelm, or disconnection. What presents as “laziness” is usually the symptom of this major feelings.

-          Struggles aren’t character flaws, they are clues about the environment, the support and scaffolding, or the task demands.

-          Kids internalize labels quickly. If they hear “lazy,” “unmotivated,” or “slacker,” it becomes their internal dialog and identity!

-          Giving children autonomy, reminding children of relevance, and providing emotional safety are powerful ways of connecting during times when children may be labeled as “lazy.”

So, here is what to do instead:

1.      Stop labelling behavior. Instead, start tracking patterns: Note when it happens, what task it involves, the time of day, and the emotional tone in the room.

2.      Reframe behavior as data: A shutdown in math might reflect perfectionism, not disinterest. Refusal to read could be about decoding difficulty, not your child trying to be defiant or lazy.

3.      Give kids ownership: ask “what do you need to make this feel more doable?” Let them design a path back to motivation. When working with younger kids, you may need to suggest options, that’s ok – they will figure out what works for them as they build resilience.

4.      Celebrate mico-mastery: small wins build identity and teaches kids “I can figure things out,” “I can tolerate frustration,” “I don’t need to be perfect” and show children they are supported. Celebration doesn’t need to be success based, but focused on how they continued on despite frustrated, or tried various ways to come up with the answer.

5.      Detach effort from approval: Replace “I’m proud of you” with “you should feel proud of yourself for sticking with it!”

Reframing struggle as data changes everything. It take us out of control mode parenting into connection mode that shows our support for our children. It forces us to slow down, get curious, and build a system that works for the actual child in front of us, not the one we imagined, or think our child should be, and sometimes, not system that works well for us, that might not translate the same for your child.

References:

Brooks, R. & Goldstein, S. (2001). Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child. McGraw-Hill.

Greene, R. (2016). The Explosive Child. Harper.

Payne Bryson, T. & Siegel, D. (2018). The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child. Random House.

Hammond, Z. (2015). Culturally Responsive Teaching and the Brain. Corwin.

Moyer, M. W. (2025, May 1). The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/05/parenting-islands-of-competence-kids-motivation/682739/

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381–387. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414547414