Why Tantrum Strategies Aren’t Working: What Actually Builds Emotional Regulation
As in any family, it seems like my two kids are on totally different developmental journeys. One child can be totally chill and understanding, while the other one is losing it over someone looking at them the wrong way. And just when we’ve calmed one storm, they flip the script and switch it up on us, and the once calm one is losing over something else, then the other one is dysregulated and losing it over something entirely different.
This week has been particularly draining. I don’t know if I’m feeling extra overwhelmed, if my kids are picking up on that, or if they are just having hard moments and days within their weeks. But the tantrums and losing their shit has been extra intense. So much so that it left me speed reading through my saved research on regulation to find any sort of answers and even more than that, some much needed tips.
I can tell you what’s NOT working over here:
Trying to regulate in the moment. It’s like we’ve lost all of our tools
Trying to talk and reason with them. I already know I shouldn’t try to talk to them when they’re in this state, but that doesn’t stop me from giving it a try.
Separating my two kids. Although something they did or didn’t do is most likely the most evident and surface level incident, but damnit if they wont separate from each other even when they’re pushing each others buttons. I guess this is a gift and a curse.
Trying to recap the explosive moment and teach at the end of the night when everyone is calm and collected. This is great for connection. It feels like everyone is receptive to regulation tips, but it’s lost in the actual moment when the next meltdown hits.
So I was in need of some serious regulation information and tips. And every research article gave me things I’ve heard for numerous years – except for one. Here’s what it said, and why it made me rethink my approach to how I handle meltdowns and regulation.
Most of us try to teach our kids how to regulate while they’re already in a meltdown. We pull out deep breaths, calming corners, and soothing tones like tools in a panic toolbox, hoping one of them lands. And I advocate for taking those deep breaths, for regulating ourselves so that our mirror neurons (the ones in our brain that says someone is feeling something, and to empathize, we are going to feel the same, and our body replicates someone’s feelings) which is why we then get dysregulated too. But often times, these tools like deep breathing don’t work. And parent’s are left wondering what are we supposed to and how do we help.
Here's the answer: we are stepping in too late.
I have mentioned before that when a child is in the middle of the meltdown, getting hyped up, or spiraling, their nervous system is in full blown survival mode, fight or flight. Now this can sound extreme when we’re thinking about what a child’s tantrum might be over: looking at me the wrong way, a sandwich cut up the wrong way, not being able to do something they had planned – whatever it may be. Here’s what’s going on: the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that handles logic, reason, and decision making) is offline, and the nervous system is now screaming “protect me now!”
This is NOT a teachable moment. This is not a time when kids can listen. This is not a time where they can try new techniques to regulate. If you think back to primitive times, listening, learning some thing new might get you killed by a saber tooth tiger. That is how primitive our nervous system is. This is really important for parents to understand. So stop talking, stop trying to teach, stop trying something new.
In all my research about temperaments, anxiety, ADHD, emotional coaching, etc., one insight stopped me cold: we’re teaching regulation at the wrong time. Parents, teachers, even therapists often try to introduce new regulation strategies during the height of a freak out. But as emphasized in some research from Porges (2011) and Perry & Szalavitz (2017), the brain can’t absorb new strategies when it’s dysregulated. This is a case of mismatched timing. Or, we wait until after a big blow up, lets say at bedtime, when things have calmed down, we can think more rationally, and then try to introduce a regulation strategy, but I fear we have missed that teachable moment. Let me explain…
What Actually Works: Catch the Micro-Moment
The real opportunity is the in micro-tantrum. You know exactly what I’m talking about – its those subtle signs your child is about to lose it. It can be a slammed cabinet, a sharp tone, a clenched jaw, a long, frustrated sigh. We often breathe a sigh of relief when those moments don’t turn into “the big one.” I will be honest, I thought I was winning in those moments – Lauren: 1, Kid: 0.
But those aren’t moments to celebrate. They’re signals. These are the micro-moments we can get some regulation training reps in. In these pre-meltdown moments, your child’s nervous system is still accessible, still able to calm down, listen and learn because it isn’t in fight or flight, survival mode YET. Their body is asking “can someone help me regulate before I lose control?”
This is the moment we don’t hide from, even though we know we could be opening up a can of worms. Instead, this is when we say:
“I saw your shoulders tense up. What did that feel like inside?’
“Let’s try a strategy together before this feeling gets too big.”
What we’re doing is practicing now, when the body recognizes that things are amiss, but not overwhelmingly so. When we practice in the moment, when the feeling is still fresh, it tells the body, this is something I can do when this feeling comes back. When kids have the strategies before they lose it, the body can recall it without thinking about it or being coached into it.
This idea isn’t just intuitive, its back by developmental neuroscience.
Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) teaches us that co-regulation happens best when the nervous system is calm enough to engage in social connection, not during threat defense.
Sequential Brain Development (Perry & Szalzvitz, 2017) confirm that kids need to feel safe and connected before they can access higher-level thinking or behavioral change.
And Emotion Coaching from Gottman et al., (1996) reminds us that emotional literacy is built through repeated low-stakes emotional conversations and situations.
What we are doing in these micro-moments is building muscle memory. When the full meltdown does hit, the body isn’t scrambling for a tool to help. It’s already rehearsed it in small, but similar moments. It now knows what to reach for, what works when a similar feeling hits but is elevated to meltdown status.
This is what regulation looks like: training the nervous system through repetition, before the storm.
So if you’ve been trying to teach calm in the midst of chaos and it’s not working, or you’ve been trying to teach well after the storm has passed, but it’s not sticking, its your timing. The meltdown is the test, not the lesson.
Start teaching when things are quiet, when mini moments are upon us and you will start to see progress.
For us, we have a toolbelt of regulation supplies that my son made at school. We are currently going through that toolbelt to make sure we have all the things we need. We are identifying what feelings feel like in our body and what it feels like to have those feelings bubble up. Then we are exploring what regulation things on our toolbelt could work in the moment. And it’s still in the exploratory phase. This isn’t something we will accomplish in one day. But for the long haul, we are identifying and naming more complex emotions, realizing how they feel, and how to take steps to regulate those feelings when they’re small, not yet explosive, but also how to regulate when they do explode. This is a slow burn for developing emotional intelligence that is a gift my children can have for the rest of their lives.
References:
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook (3rd ed.). Basic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
