“Because I Said So” Isn’t a Lesson: Rethinking FAFO Parenting in a Generation That Knows Better

I had a parenting fail this weekend.

My kids had trashed the playroom building a massive fort. Then they asked to go swimming, visit their grandma, and watch TV—all while ignoring the disaster zone they’d created. I told them they couldn’t move on until the room was clean. I said, “I’m not going to clean it for you,” because all I do is clean up that playroom, and the house, and after everyone in it.

But they didn’t move. Didn’t start. Didn’t care. And before I knew it, I was fully dysregulated—entering the room with two trash bags. One for garbage. One for donations. No more talking. No more warning. No more negotiation.

I scared them. They peeked in nervously to see which toys were gone. And the worst part? I didn’t care that they were scared. I was mad.

And what did they learn?

Not how to clean up.

Not how to break a big task into small ones.

Not how to organize or ask for help.

They learned, “Don’t piss off Mom or your stuff disappears.”

That wasn’t a lesson. That was fear.

FAFO Parenting: Where It Comes From—and Why It’s Rising

FAFO (f*ck around and find out) parenting didn’t start on TikTok. It’s just the rebranded face of the control-first discipline style most of us were raised with. It’s rooted in authoritarianism: high control, low warmth. But today, it’s going viral—because parents are overwhelmed, burned out, and desperate for something that “works.”

The cultural pressure is real.

Parents today are navigating more isolation, less support, and higher expectations than previous generations. The result? We default to what’s familiar—what our nervous systems recognize as “effective.” Not because it’s best, but because it’s fast.

“When I was growing up, we had no choice but to obey. It was how we showed respect. And I still catch myself parenting from that place—not because I believe in it, but because that’s what my body knows under stress.”

But obedience is not respect. It’s just submission in a safer costume.

Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Parenting: Why the Difference Matters

Let’s clarify: authoritative parenting (high expectations, high warmth) is correlated with the best long-term developmental outcomes across studies. It builds trust, internal motivation, and emotional resilience.

Authoritarian parenting (high control, low warmth) produces short-term compliance—but with a cost.

Research snapshot:

• Baumrind’s original framework (1967) and decades of follow-ups show authoritarian parenting leads to lower self-esteem, higher anxiety, and externalized behavior problems in children (Baumrind, 1991; Darling & Steinberg, 1993).

• A 2020 longitudinal study found that adults who were raised with strict, punitive discipline styles were more likely to struggle with decision-making, self-efficacy, and relational trust (Khaleque, 2020).

• Murphy et al. (2017) tracked over 2,000 adults and found that authoritarian parenting predicted lower career satisfaction, lower romantic attachment security, and higher levels of shame in their 30s and 40s.

Why We Don’t Parent Like It’s 1979 Anymore

Because we know better now.
Because the data is in.
Because the world has changed and kids need skills that don’t grow in fear.

Yes, our parents meant well. But obedience-driven parenting came from a time where children weren’t seen as full humans with inner worlds. Compliance was king. Disrespect was anything short of silence. And punishment was considered love.

But now?
We know punishment doesn’t teach. It suppresses.
We know fear doesn’t regulate. It dysregulates.
And we know control doesn’t build character. It builds shame.

The Rise (and Fall) of Gentle Parenting and Why FAFO Took Its Place

Gentle parenting wasn’t the problem. The misunderstanding of it was.

Somewhere along the way, “gentle” became “permissive.”
“Understanding” became “no boundaries.”
“Respect” became “don’t upset them.”

But parenting that lacks structure is just as unhelpful as parenting that lacks warmth. But lets be clear, gentle parenting never said to abandon boundaries and rules - no! It states that these are the benchmarks for helping children feel safe. The caveat is that they be rooted in respect, both for parent and child and communication between the dyad. Without them, they are left feeling no one is in control, therefore, they must be, which floods their nervous system causing hypervigilance and anxiety. Somewhere along the way, we lost the message.

That’s where FAFO parenting creeps back in—as a correction to chaos.

What Strict Parenting Actually Teaches

Here’s what I’ve learned both from research and from parenting in real life:

Strict parenting teaches kids:

• To hide mistakes.

• To listen only when scared.

• That their parents’ emotions are more important than their own.

• That rupture, not repair, is how relationships work.

And here’s what the science confirms:

• Kawabata et al. (2011) found that harsh discipline predicts increased aggression in children—not less.

• Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor (2016) showed that physical and verbal punishment led to worse behavior outcomes, not better.

• Teicher & Samson (2016) linked early exposure to harsh parenting to brain changes in the amygdala increasing reactivity and sensitivity to threat.

So when we say “it worked for me,” what do we actually mean?
That we survived it? Or that we learned to suppress?

Cultural Context: Why Black and Brown Parents Parent Differently

This part matters—and it gets stripped away on social media.

FAFO parenting often mimics what’s been passed down in Black and Brown families. But the intention was survival, not cruelty. When society punishes your child more harshly for the same behavior, your parenting becomes armor.

Study spotlight: In a cross-cultural comparison, Black mothers who used high-demand parenting styles saw better behavioral outcomes in their children but only when paired with warmth and racial pride (Brody et al., 2004; McLoyd, 1998).

This isn’t the generalized authoritarian model. This is culturally responsive protection.

But when white creators mimic FAFO parenting without the cultural weight, it becomes theatrical—just control without connection.

What To Do Instead: Finding the Middle Ground

Let’s be honest: no one is calm all the time. I’m a child development expert and I still screw it up. Often.

But the goal isn’t perfection. It’s pattern disruption.

Here’s what I’m working on—and what I teach parents:

• Slow the moment down. Say to yourself (out loud if it helps): “You’re safe. There is no danger.” This helps your nervous system and your brain catch up and regulate.

• Clarify your goal. Do I want fear? Or do I want learning? If the goal is learning, it never comes with fear because the brain shuts down any rational thinking until the fear is gone.

• Scaffold the skill. Break it down. Give tools. Not just consequences. And sometimes that means walking away and coming back to a situation to be better able to do that. We don’t need to solve all problems right away.

• Own the rupture. Repair without blame. Say what happened. Say how it felt. Say what you’ll try differently and then try differently. Doesn’t have to happen every time - we are all human, but even sometimes makes a huge difference to your connection with your child.

Because parenting isn’t a performance. It’s a relationship.

Remember, if you’re stuck in reactivity and want tools that actually work, you can always book a 1:1 consult or download the Emotion-Circuit Toolkit if you need ready-to-go regulation strategies that don’t rely on yelling or punishment.

Let’s not pretend we weren’t raised in fear. But let’s not pass that fear down.

I’ve got you,
Lauren

References:

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.

Brody, G. H., et al. (2004). The Strong African American Families program. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 867–879.

Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context. Developmental Psychology, 29(6), 1036–1041.

Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.

Kawabata, Y., et al. (2011). Parenting and child aggression in nine countries. Child Development, 82(6), 2195–2217.

Khaleque, A. (2020). Perceived parental control and adjustment of adults: A meta-analysis. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(1), 38–50.

McLoyd, V. C. (1998). Socioeconomic disadvantage and child development. American Psychologist, 53(2), 185–204.

Murphy, T. P., et al. (2017). Childhood discipline and adult psychosocial outcomes. Child Abuse & Neglect, 63, 69–80.

Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2016). Brain development and exposure to interpersonal violence. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(3), 241–266.