Yes, Your Teen Is Listening… Just Not to What You Think
When your child becomes a teenager, it can feel like your influence disappears overnight. Eye rolls replace curiosity. Boundaries spark resistance. Friends start to feel like the new “safe space” in your child’s life. And parents often land in one of two places:
1. They try to maintain control through stricter rules.
2. The step back completely, hoping autonomy will earn respect.
But both approaches miss a deeper truth. Teens haven’t stopped listening. They’ve just changed what they’re listening to.
They no longer hang on every word. They study your actions. And this shift matters more than most parents realize.
The Myth: Parents Lose Influence During the Teen Years
Let’s start by dismantling the core myth: that once kids hit adolescence, peers become their primary attachment figure and they don’t really want us anymore.
It’s true that peer influence increases, particularly around identity, interests and belonging. But it doesn’t replace the emotional weight of a parent.
According to research like Laurence Steinberg, author of Age of Opportunity, teens still heavily rely on their parents as secure bases for emotional regulation and values when that connection is emotionally safe and consistently available. That’s a critical distinction. Teens only stop turning to parents when they feel unseen, misunderstood, or shamed as they get older. In other words, when we disconnect from the role.
What Teens Actually Respond to: Empathy and Congruence
A 2024 study published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence found something striking: when parents modeled the values they enforced (called “value demonstration”), teens experienced warnings from their parents as protective, not controlling.
But value demonstration didn’t stop risky behavior on their own. The factor that predicted actual behavior change was empathy. When teens felt understood, even if the parent disagreed with their choices, they were more likely to reflect, recalibrate, and make better choices. Empathy kept the emotional bridge intact. Congruence (doing what we say) made parental authority feel trustworthy.
What Most Parenting Advice Misses
Empathy gets a lot of airtime in the toddler years. We name feelings: “You’re sad your toy broke.” We validate desires: “You wanted more time at the park.” Then somewhere around puberty (9-12 years old), the empathy practice drops off. Teens are treated as if they should know better. Parents assume the naming and attunement phase is over. But developmentally, this is the phase when empathy becomes even more essential.
Because adolescents are:
Emotionally volatile
Highly sensitive to perceived control
Actively trying to define their identity both along side you and the family, as well as away from you
Empathy isn’t soft. It’s what allows your teen to stay emotionally anchored to you while they push boundaries. This is what their brains are wired to do, while their prefrontal cortex is still under major construction till their mid twenties.
Temperament Shapes Risk, And Your Strategy.
Not all teens are wired the same. Some have high sensation-seeking tendencies. They crave stimulation and novelty. Others are more cautious, anxious, or shut down when overwhelmed. Temperament matters in this conversation.
That means the same rule can land completely differently depending on your child’s baseline reactivity and regulatory profile.
If your teen is wired for thrill-seeking:
Structured choices help channel their autonomy: “you can walk home with Max or take the 4:30 bus, but either way I expect a text when you leave school.”
Physical regulation tools keep their nervous system grounded, whether it cold plunges, cardio-heavy movement, rock climbing, or nighttime grounding routines to keep their energy in check and regulated.
Natural consequences must be clear, make sense, and non-punitive. A missed curfew = losing solo night privileges for the week. Don’t check in = you get a tighter window to return home.
If they’re anxious and avoidant:
Reassurance-based scaffolding is key: “I know if feels like a lot. You’re not in trouble, I just need to know where you are.”
Co-regulation beats correction. Sit together in silence before talking. Offer sensory regulation tools like fidget items, music, or cozy lighting to keep nervous system in check.
Non-shaming limits preserve connection: “I see you’re overwhelmed, but this still needs to happen. Let’s figure out how.” This is shared control: when both parent and child figure out the plan for the a child’s life, plans, consequences, etc.
You don’t need a psychology degree to match your parenting to your child’s wiring. But you do need to observe what soothes them, what overstimulates them, and where their nervous system thrives. There is something to be said about the fact your child is learning about themselves in real time alongside you. If you’re trying to parent through risk without understanding your child’s temperament and nervous system cues, you’re driving without navigation.
So What Actually Works?
Model What You Preach (Even When No One’s Looking): Teens track your integrity more than your instructions. If you say lying is wrong but tell white lies to get out of something, they notice. If you say respect matters but yell during conflict, they log it too. My kids call me out on inconsistencies and keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Offer Empathy Without Solving: When you teen opens up, resist the urge to fix unless explicitly asked. Try: “That makes sense why you’d feel that way.” Or: “I remember feeling like that too…” Connection before correction is not a gimmick. It’s a nervous system strategy. You are more apt to listen to someone you feel connected to.
Use Pre-Planned Limits: In the moment of conflict, no one’s rational. If you read these articles, you’ve heard me say it time and time again: our fight or flight is triggered and our rational brain is offline. Set rules in advance and stick to them as calmly as you can. “We agreed on 9pm for phones. I’m following through. We can talk about it tomorrow.” Consistency in how we respond and reinforce rules limits confusion.
Adapt for Temperament: Use a simple internal check: Is my teen overstimulated or underchallenged? Do they need more co-regulation or more autonomy? Structure your expectations to fit their baseline. Not their age or what you think they should be able to handle or do.
Stay Curious, Not Controlling: Instead of “What were you thinking?” try “Help me understand what felt important to you in that moment.” The answer could be eye opening into the perspective of your teen. When you know where they are coming from, it opens up the door to better understanding and empathy in our reaction, response, correction, and teaching.
What To Do Next
If you teen seems tuned out, reactive, or unreachable, you’re not failing. But your strategy might need to shift. Remember that teens still need our presence and time. They also need autonomy and independence in times and places where they are able to practice these responsibilities and privileges. If we hold on too tight they will rebel against us in an act to obtain freedom. If we are too liberal with our autonomy, they can over do it because they have no guard rails or alternatively, be overly cautious thwarted by the lack of structure.
And if that seems like a fine line you don’t know how to navigate, this is where I come in.
In a 1:1 session, we decode what’s really driving your child’s behavior: developmentally, emotionally, and temperamentally. You’ll leave with:
A plan that fits your teens wiring
Language that builds connection, not just compliance
Clarity on how to hold the line without losing the relationship.
Book a session now and stop parenting in the dark.
References:
Allen, J. P., & Tan, J. S. (2016). The multiple facets of attachment in adolescence. Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications, 399-415.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Vansteenkiste, M., Simons, J., Lens, W., Sheldon, K. M., & Deci, E. L. (2005). Motivating learning, performance, and persistence: The synergistic effects of intrinsic goal contents and autonomy-supportive contexts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 246.