What Boundary Pushing Really Means: How to Tell the Difference Between Defiance and Development
I am no different from your average parent and my kids are definitely no different from the average child in which they test boundaries all of the time. Sometimes it’s cute, sometimes its clever, and a lot of time it’s downright frustrating and annoying. I can’t fault them because I still test boundaries. I definitely did this as a child and got in trouble often. My mom didn’t find it cute, or clever at all – just frustrating and maybe even disrespectful. So, when my kids test boundaries, I try to remember that at my core, I still do the same damn thing. Sometimes because I am trying to be cute, clever, or trying to compromise, or I’m bored (that is a common reason) and I want to shake things up.
So, when parents wonder and ask “why does my child push every boundary I set?” You’re not alone. But here is what no one tells parents when we should be yelling it from the rooftops:
Boundary pushing is often a sign of safety, not disrespect.
If your mind is blown, I’m right here with you. But hopefully this reframe helps manage the frustration. Here’s what’s going on: what often looks like defiance is often a developmental and relational test for parents. It isn’t just “can I get away with this?” but “will my parent still be there when I don’t comply?” or “will you hold the boundary and still love me?” Now I’m feeling annoyed by this developmental test and sad that my reaction is annoyance and frustration when my kids test the boundaries.
Developmentally Normal Boundary Pushing (And What It Means)
Kids aren’t born with internal regulation. It is learned by constant practice. And one of the ways they learn is by pushing against the limits of the world around them and watching what happens next. I constantly say, kids are the greatest experimenters always looking for commonalities in situations, outcomes, our reactions, etc.
According to attachment research from Mary Ainsworth (1978), this type of testing is expected in securely attached relationships. Kids push when they feel safe because they are checking the emotional integrity of the boundary, not just the rule. It’s a backhanded gift, that I think I want, right?
In a child’s test of boundaries and limits, they want to know:
- Will the rule change if I escalate?
- Will my parents get angry, shut down, or stay connected?
- Am I still safe when I’m out of control?
Remember, this isn’t manipulative. This is developmental attachment testing. And how we respond to the testing impacts attachment, trusting relationships, and their children’s connection with us. Let’s keep that in mind.
When Boundary Pushing Might Not Be Developmental
With all things, we must look at the other side of the coin. While testing limits is normal, there are moments when it may signal deeper needs or dysregulation. Here is what to look out for:
- When every rule becomes a battle
- When the child escalates quickly into aggression or shutdown
- When boundaries are never accepted, even after repeated consistency
- When your child seems scared, panicked, or detached in the process
In these cases, boundary pushing may be tied to:
- Unmet emotional or sensory needs
- Trauma history (small t or big T trauma, including trauma they perceive)
- Lack of co-regulation modeling before moments get explosive
- Inconsistent response from caregivers that create unpredictability
This isn’t bad behavior. This is a nervous system looking for a safe place to land.
Overlooked Truth: Boundaries Aren’t Just Behavioral, They’re Emotional
One of the most profound insights from attachment and neuroscience research I found in my deep diving is
Children don’t test the rules. They test the emotional safety behind the rule.
When we set a boundary, we aren’t just drawing a line. We’re offering our children a mirror showing our emotional steadiness, or predictability, our capacity to stay with them through their dysregulation – nothing is too big for us to handle. Alternatively, when boundaries are clear but emotionally cold, kids learn fear because they don’t feel connected to us. When boundaries are warm but inconsistent, kids become confused and test more to find consistency. What kids need is consistent boundaries that are co-regulated, held with calm, empathy, and follow-through.
Parents often ask me, “what do consistent boundaries actually look like?” Here are my suggestions around boundaries:
1. Name the limit once, calmly and clearly so there are no misinterpretations. Your child is capable of understanding what you mean the first time (if they are listening). I remind my kids of this, and you can do the same in a respectful way by saying “I know you are capable of understanding my words and I am not going to continue to repeat myself. If you need me to explain it differently, I am able to do that for you if you understand what I mean.”
2. Hold the limit but do not debate, bribe, or threaten. That isn’t harsh, its consistent
3. Let your child feel their feelings, and stay anchored and present (this may require you to practice regulation skills, so you don’t get triggered) but we want them to be able to express and release those emotions so they don’t become bottled up and explosive later on.
4. Don’t rescue kids from their big feelings, let them feel it. Don’t reason or retreat. We are co-regulating and building resilient.
5. Correct and teach children how to better handle situations, regulate, communicate, etc. These experiences are practice for when our children are in the real world. A common misconception about gentle parenting is that we should allow our children to act however they want. But this couldn’t be further from the truth and not what this information is saying either. When we understand what is going on behind the behavior, we are hopefully able to react and respond with understanding, then correct and teach our children better skills and strategies, and then repair and reconnect from any fracture that may have occurred. This is how we build emotionally intelligent, resilient kids.
6. Repair, repair, repair! If nothing else, repair when there has been a fracture. Whether it was us or our kids who need to do the repairing, it is a valuable lesson that no one is perfect, we all get pushed beyond our limits, we aren’t always able to access our skills and strategies, and we mess up. But we also repair a fracture in the relationship because we care. We can always say we are sorry and try to do better. This is an imperative lesson for children to learn and for us to model with our kids. At our house, I do alot of repairing, and it gives me the ability to model this for my children and reconnect with them so that trust is not lost.
Here is the tip that I find most helpful when kids test the boundaries: you can always say “the limit stays, and my answer wont change. But I am still with you.” This is how kids learn safety, regulation, build trust not just in us but in themselves as well.
References:
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog. Basic Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child. Random House.
