When Discipline Disconnects: Rewiring Emotional Regulation In Children
Parenting advice is everywhere. But few explain why a disciplinary style may backfire at the neurological level, and how we can actually fix it in daily life. In reality, all we get are a lot of generic tips and scripts that never address the elephant in the room – why. Without knowing why something is happening never truly gives us clarity to effectively tackle a situation. When we don’t dig deeper into why, those tips and scripts oftentimes fall flat, and parents are left frustrated, scratching their heads, googling tips that only offer more generic advice. It’s an endless loop designed to make parents feel incompetent and kids feeling misunderstood. Parents then fall back on what feels comfortable in their body, generational parenting trends that are often not how we would like to parent our kids. I discuss this more on this here.
Recent research highlighting neuroimaging reveals that harsh, fear-based discipline actually weakens connectivity between the amygdala (our emotional alarm system) and the prefrontal cortex (our emotional regulation center), especially in girls. Instead of building self-control in our kids, we can fray the very work we are trying to build up in our kids. This shows up as louder meltdowns, more defiance, and a longer recovery from the damage created in the brain and longer recovery to self-regulate. At this point, as parents we are also triggered and doing more damage than good – a parenting spiral we can all relate to.
Thankfully, we have child development science at hand to help with repair and offer validated, real-life strategies that rewire emotional pathways. Let’s breakdown the research (my favorite part) and map out what to do next for your child.
Emotional Wiring Gone Wrong
A landmark study used neuroimaging to track children from ages 4.5 to 10.5. Those children who experienced harsh parenting that included yelling, threats, and punitive tones, had weakened amygdala-ACC (anterior cingulate cortex, located in the prefrontal cortex) connectivity over time. Normally, as children age, the amygdala and ACC usually build stronger connections that support emotional control and executive functioning skills necessary for maturity. However, harsh parenting tactics reversed that trajectory, so instead of strengthening, girls showed declining connectivity. With this decline, girls were more aggressive or had explosive behavior by age 10. The truth is, harsh discipline doesn’t just hurt connection, it actively rewires their emotional circuitry, not to mention illicit fear of the parent, doesn’t garner better behavior through child-led desire or inspiration, and impacts self-esteem.
I should note, that importantly, harsh discipline does not cause structural damage impacting amygdala volume. The disruption is in how it communicates with regulatory centers. That means we’re working with neural circuitry, circuits that can be rebuilt with the right inputs.
Here is what every parent and educator must internalize:
Behavior isn’t bad, its dysregulation. When a child acts out, hard discipline often makes it even worse. The brain isn’t telling the child to misbehave, its disorganized. Understanding this hopefully helps shift the response from punishment to reconnection through co-regulation and then once calm, and the brain is online, then parents can move onto correction.
Interventions that happen early are always amazing, but research shows change is possible well into middle childhood (6-12 years old). Emotional wiring can be redirected, even after early patterns form. That should be reassuring and is one of the things I appreciate the most about child development: with thoughtful intention and persistence, change often occurs. And this is no different.
On that note, no one is “damaged” but plans to intervene must focus on reinforcing connection with parents or caregivers, not simply fixing “bad wiring.” The fix will come through connection. It’s not about perfection. Children need daily micro-moments of co-regulation, emotion labeling, calm boundary settings to slowly rebuild pathways. To learn more about micro-moments of quality time with your child, read my article on how much time to spend with your child [link].
Child development research highlights professional help that can be elicited to help. If you are in need of those services, please reach out and I would be happy to provide those to you. But let’s cover real life strategies that help wire regulation in the brain that can be done at home, without costing a thing! These aren’t abstract or hippy dippy – these are building blocks that help parents and teachers rebuild emotional circuits every day.
- Start the day highlighting safety. In heightened moments, remind children, “we’re doing it together” to show unity and that you two are connected. Remember that calm presence trumps words any time. Oftentimes we talk too much. You would be amazed at how a 5 second pause, eye contact, a soft tone or touch starts the day anchored in warmth. Of course that means we, the parent, need to be regulated. My best parenting advice will always reside in the ability to practice regulation tools in the micro-moments of a situation where you or your child almost got upset but held it together. These are the moments to practice those skills so that when something really disruptive arises, your body has the muscle memory and the reps to actually calm down. Read more about this practice for both you and your child here [link to regulation blog].
- After school, or after a transition do emotion-explicit check-ins where you ask, “what was the hardest part of your day?” instead of “how was your day?” that won’t illicit a helpful answer. When we ask about certain parts of the day that were hard, exciting, tricky, etc. it encourages emotional labeling that supports ACC activity. It may sound counter productive to rehash hard moments, but labeling will help with identification. When we are able to identify, we are able to better track those moments and work on regulation when our body feels those similar feelings start to bubble up. We are working toward a larger regulation goal here.
- Model regulation. If you are familiar with The Parenting Collaborative, you know how big I am on modeling. Even saying “I need a minute after work…” and doing deep breathing shows children regulation tools that work for you, that could also work for them. Inviting them to also practice those skills shows that calm is co-regulated, not demanded and you a partner in helping them to regulate those emotions, no matter how big or small.
- In the moment of meltdowns, don’t teach (as much as we want to). Meltdowns mean the body and brain are in fight or flight. We don’t learn or listen in fight or flight mode. The only effective way to breakthrough during meltdowns is to regulate. Lower your tone, body position, and say few words. My go to is “I’m here, and you’re safe.” Something simple, short, and easy to remember. I repeat it as often as I need to until the amygdala and the meltdown is soothed. This is also a reminder to my own body and brain. Our brains mirror the responses of others in a neurological event called mirroring. So saying this phrase out loud is also a reminder and message to myself so I don’t mirror those feelings my child has or even worse, get triggered by the meltdown because its inconvenient, ill timed, irrational, too loud – you name it.
- And my number rule that I live by: repair is not optional. It must be done. It can be as simple as “I lost my cool. Let’s try that again…” It is such a powerful statement and act that helps rebuild trust that is broken in the moment and rebuilds regulation pathways. I apologize and rewind often with my kids. It shows them I am not perfect and don’t require them to be perfect. It shows that we all make mistakes and don’t handle things the “right” way the first time all the time. And that we can always repair, apologize, and do over in life.
These aren’t just for home. School adaption shows teacher attunement and sensitive discipline significantly influences emotional development in children aged 5-7. Classroom check-in, sensory-rich resets, and emotional labeling can help teachers repair circuits as a second wave of regulation scaffolding.
What Parents Can Do Next
1. Start with awareness: if discipline feels disconnected, subscribe to our free Emotion-Circuit Toolkit
2. Practice the micro-moments: try just one morning or meltdown strategy this week and notice your child’s response. My go to is practicing regulation is micro-moments when things could’ve gotten escalated but didn’t.
3. Ready to go deeper? Book at 1:1 coaching call where we map how your daily rhythms can rewire emotional circuits.
4. Expand your network: share this with your child’s teacher or your co-parent or grandparents, so they can be a part of this change too. Getting the same strategy and language from all angles helps solidify the work and lets children know they are supported by all members in their life.
The question isn’t what’s wrong with your child, its what’s disconnected inside their system. Harsh discipline splits and alters the pathways that teach emotional coordination. But with consistent, intentional reconnective moments, even short ones, you begin to reroute those circuits back towards safety, self-control, and trust. This is a bold change grounded in neuroscience in your everyday life.
References:
· Bick, J., & Dozier, M. (2024). Attachment and biobehavioral catch-up alters amygdala–PFC connectivity. Development and Psychopathology.
· Garnett, M., Bernard, K., Hoye, J., & Zajac, L. (2020). Parental sensitivity mediates sustained effect of ABC. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 121, 104809.
· Juffer, F., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2017). Video‑feedback Intervention to promote Positive Parenting and Sensitive Discipline: Meta-analysis. Attachment & Human Development.
· Kim, M., Starreveld, K., et al. (2024). VIPP‑School RCT: Teacher sensitivity and classroom interactions. Attachment & Human Development.
