Why Your Child's Holiday Meltdowns Aren't Misbehavior (It's Their Nervous System)

Thanksgiving was less than a week ago, but I’ve already noticed the shift in my kids… and may you have noticed it in your kids as well. I’m writing this one as a mom, who doesn’t want you to be three weeks into December and your normally regulated child is unraveling. More tears over minor things. Aggression you haven't seen in months. Sleep battles. Clinginess. That regression you thought you'd moved past.

Your first thought? They're testing me. They know it's the holidays and they're taking advantage.

Here's what's actually happening: Your child's nervous system has exceeded its capacity to handle stress. And it has nothing to do with behavior, discipline, or how well you're "managing" the chaos.

The Real Problem: Allostatic Load in Developing Brains

Allostatic load is the physiological term for what happens when cumulative stress exceeds our body's ability to cope (McEwen & Stellar, 1993). It's the wear and tear on our systems when we're exposed to repeated or chronic stressors without adequate recovery time.

In children, allostatic load reflects the cumulative effects of both ordinary daily events and major challenges, impacting brain and body development through the neuroendocrine system (Lucente & Guidi, 2023). Think of it like a bucket. Each stressor adds water. When the bucket overflows, you see dysregulation.

Here's what most parents miss: The holidays aren't one stressor. They're a compounding cascade. Your child loses their predictable school routine (stressor). They navigate increased social demands with relatives (stressor). Sleep gets disrupted (stressor). Diet changes (stressor). Sensory input intensifies (stressor). And critically—they absorb your stress (stressor).

Each one activates their stress-mediating systems. Together, they create the physiological dysregulation you're seeing as "bad behavior."

The Stressors Nobody's Talking About

Sensory Flooding This isn't just "overstimulation." It's sustained multi-sensory assault. Holiday lights create reticular activating system overload. Repetitive music causes auditory processing fatigue. Scratchy new clothes, unfamiliar textures at gatherings, crowded spaces—all of it compounds. For children with sensory processing differences, traditional holiday celebrations can feel overwhelming rather than joyful (Child Mind Institute, 2024).

Social Performance Demands Your child is being asked to regulate their behavior in unpredictable social contexts while their executive function systems are already depleted. Forced affection with relatives. Being "on" and charming when dysregulated. Losing autonomy over their bodies through expected hugs and kisses. This requires massive executive function expenditure when those systems are taxed.

Executive Function Depletion Delayed gratification is ramped up to absurd levels. Waiting for presents, for events, for transitions. Constant shifts between activities, locations, people. The predictable routines that normally scaffold their still developing prefrontal cortex? Gone. Kids are operating without the neural infrastructure that compensates for chaos.

Sleep Disruption Keeping consistent bedtime is crucial because inadequate sleep affects a child's mood and behavior, but the busy holiday season makes this challenging (Bagner, cited in Florida International University, 2024). Later bedtimes for events, travel across time zones, unfamiliar beds, overstimulation preventing quality sleep even when they're in bed—it all compounds.

The Hidden Culprit: Your Stress Is Their Stress

Here's the part that's hard to hear, but essential to understand: If you're dysregulated, your child's nervous system is syncing with yours.

This isn't metaphorical. It's biological.

Research shows that children's nervous systems regulate through biological synchrony with caregivers via hormonal and autonomic nervous system co-regulation (Bornstein et al., 2023; Kolacz & Porges, 2024). When a caregiver is frequently dysregulated or emotionally reactive, children absorb these heightened emotional states, reinforcing patterns of emotional volatility and stress reactivity (Handspring Health, 2024).

Nearly twice as many mothers than fathers report high stress levels during holidays, and one in five parents acknowledge that their own stress level negatively affects their child's enjoyment of the season (C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health, 2021). But here's what that statistic misses: The 20% who admit it are just the honest ones. If you're stressed, your child's nervous system is registering it and responding—whether you acknowledge it or not.

As Dr. Bruce Perry states: "A dysregulated adult will never regulate a dysregulated child."

This isn't about blame. We are all trying to create something magical. We are juggling year end work deadlines, children's holiday performances , gift-giving (and any financial strain that causes), parties, celebrations, and all our normal responsibilities. We are all doing this because we love our children and want to create warm memories.

And that's exactly the trap.

What Kids Actually Remember (And What We Think Creates Magic)

Here's what the science tells us about memory formation in children: Memories are driven by emotions stored in the amygdala—the things that elicit an emotional response, whether positive or negative. We remember things better when there's emotional arousal.

But here's the critical part: Memories are stored like a puzzle. Children recall different sensory points and stitch them together. The missing pieces are fabrications of what seems natural in the situation. That's why no two people remember the same event the same way.

What this means practically: Your child isn't going to remember whether you did 17 holiday activities or 7. They're not cataloging whether you sent beautiful cards or skipped them entirely. They're encoding emotional experiences.

A stressed, dysregulated parent rushing through elaborate traditions creates stress memories… not magical ones. A regulated parent fully present for simpler experiences? That's what encodes as warm, safe, connected.

Research supports this. When asked about holiday plans and priorities, parents often have misconceptions about what their children's favorite holiday memories and traditions actually are, they're usually much simpler than parents think (C.S. Mott Children's Hospital, 2024).

The Backwards Conventional Advice

Most holiday parenting advice tells you to "manage the chaos better." Keep routines. Limit sugar. Prep kids for transitions. Use visual schedules.

All fine suggestions. But they miss the fundamental problem.

You cannot out manage allostatic load. Adding more regulatory strategies to an already overloaded system doesn't reduce the load, it increases the demands on an already depleted capacity.

The question isn't "how do I manage this better?" It's "what actually needs to happen, and what am I doing because I think I should?"

What Actually Reduces the Load

1. Get honest about internal expectations vs. external obligations

Walk through everything on your December calendar. For each item, ask:

• If this didn't happen, what would actually change?

• Am I doing this because someone explicitly asked, or because I think I "should"?

• If no one noticed it didn't happen, would it matter?

The traditions that cause dread? Those are the fastest to cut. And explaining it to children or family members is simpler than you think: "We're going to try something different this year that works better for our family."

2. Modify parameters, not just eliminate

You don't have to cut everything. But you can change how you do things:

• See the holiday lights for two hours instead of staying out until 10 PM when young kids should be asleep

• Move the Elf on the Shelf once a week instead of elaborate daily escapades

• Choose three holiday gatherings instead of attending every party

• Host at your home instead of traveling, so kids have retreat space when overwhelmed

• Attend the family gathering for two hours instead of six

Ask yourself: What if this didn't not happen, but the parameters changed? That question opens possibilities.

3. Protect your own regulation first

This isn't bonus self-care. It's biological infrastructure.

A caregiver's ability to recognize, regulate, and model emotional balance becomes a critical tool—not only soothing the child in the moment but building long-term resilience (Handspring Health, 2024). Co-regulation facilitates a neurobiological state of safety, enabling children to experience relief from immediate distress while building templates for handling future stressors (Handspring Health, 2024).

Your regulated nervous system is the foundation. Without it, nothing else works.

4. Reframe behaviors as nervous system signals

When you see:

• Regression (bedwetting, baby talk, clinginess)—the nervous system is seeking earlier, simpler regulatory strategies

• Increased aggression or meltdowns—sympathetic nervous system activation without the ability to return to baseline

• Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches)—somatic expression of overwhelm

• Hyperactivity or complete shutdown—sympathetic overdrive or dorsal vagal collapse

These aren't behaviors to punish. They're communication from an overloaded system.

5. Hold boundaries like you do with your children

When family members push back on your modifications, remember: You hold boundaries for your children by explaining calmly, discussing possibilities ahead of time, and following through. Do the same with adults.

You know what your children can handle. You know when you push them too far and the consequences that burden your immediate family. Dysregulation and overstimulation negatively impact everyone.

Frame it as your responsibility to set your child up for success. Hold the boundary with the hope that family and friends understand—but hold it regardless.

What To Do Next

If you're reading this and recognizing your December is already exceeding your family's capacity, here's where to start:

Get the Quick Parent Regulation Toolkit This toolkit gives you in-the-moment techniques to bring your nervous system back to baseline fast, plus how to recognize your own dysregulation signs before you're fully activated. Because you can't co-regulate your child if you're dysregulated yourself.

Use the Emotion Circuit Toolkit 2.0 Once you understand it's nervous system capacity (not misbehavior), this toolkit helps you identify which emotion circuit is activated in your child so you can respond effectively in different contexts, from grocery store meltdowns to family gathering stress.

Book a Discovery Call If you're feeling stuck or need personalized support for your specific family dynamics, let's talk. In our 1:1 sessions, we dig into your actual December calendar, identify what can shift, and build regulation strategies that work for your real life.

The Bottom Line

Your child isn't worse during the holidays. Their nervous system is communicating that they've exceeded capacity. And your job isn't to create magic through elaborate traditions and packed schedules.

Your job is to stay regulated so you can co-regulate them through an inherently dysregulating season. To protect the developmental need for predictability and rest. To choose quality over quantity, meaning over performance.

The memories worth creating? They're not built through stress and overload. They're built through your warm, regulated presence in simpler, more sustainable moments.

That's the real magic.

By Lauren Greeno
Child & Adolescent Development Specialist & Parenting Coach | Founder, The Parenting Collaborative

Lauren specializes in helping parents understand invisible dynamics shaping their children’s development and redesigning family systems before patterns calcify into adult identity. With expertise in child development, family systems theory, and trauma-informed parenting, she works with families navigating sibling dynamics, only child considerations, neurodivergence, emotional regulation, and breaking generational patterns.

Work with Lauren: Book a discovery call | Learn more

REFERENCES

Bagner, D. (2024). Experts share tips to help families of small children navigate holiday stress. Florida International University News. https://news.fiu.edu/2025/experts-share-tips-to-help-families-of-small-children-navigate-holiday-stress

Bornstein, M. H., et al. (2023). Coregulation: A multilevel approach via biology and behavior. Development and Psychopathology. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10453544/

C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health. (2021). 'Tis the season to be...stressed? https://mottpoll.org/reports/tis-season-stressed

Child Mind Institute. (2024). 24 ways to make the holidays kid-friendly. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-make-holidays-kid-friendly/

Handspring Health. (2024). Co-regulation: Tools to support kids' emotions. https://www.handspringhealth.com/post/co-regulation-guide

Kolacz, J., & Porges, S. W. (2024). Social co-regulation of the autonomic nervous system between infants and their caregivers. In Handbook of Infant Mental Health (pp. 1-20). Springer.

Lucente, M., & Guidi, J. (2023). Allostatic load in children and adolescents: A systematic review. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 92, 1-9.

McEwen, B. S., & Stellar, E. (1993). Stress and the individual: Mechanisms leading to disease. Archives of Internal Medicine, 153(18), 2093-2101.