Why Your Kid Won't Answer "How Was Your Day" (And What Actually Works)
You ask your child "How was your day?" and get met with silence, a shrug, or the infamous "I don't know." You try again at bedtime: "What made you happy today?" Nothing. "Did anything upset you?" Eye roll.
If this is your daily reality, here's what you need to know: Your child isn't being difficult. They literally can't access emotions the way you're asking.
Direct questions like "How do you feel?" or "What happened today?" assume your child has developmental capacities they might not possess yet. These questions require abstract reasoning, emotional vocabulary, metacognitive awareness, and the ability to translate internal sensations into language. For many kids, especially those who are neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or simply not yet developmentally ready, this is like asking them to solve calculus before they've learned to add.
But here's the critical part most parenting advice gets wrong: Indirect questions aren't "easier" versions of direct questions. They're neurologically different pathways. They bypass the bottlenecks that make direct emotional reporting impossible and access the parts of your child's brain that are actually online and available.
This isn't about dumbing it down. It's about precision. It's about understanding which pathway your child can access right now, in this moment, with their specific wiring.
Let me show you what's actually happening—and what to try instead.
When Your Child Can't Differentiate What They're Feeling (Emotional Granularity)
What's happening: Your child feels something, but they can't separate "anxious" from "excited" or "angry" from "disappointed." Emotion researcher Lisa Feldman Barrett calls this emotional granularity, the ability to construct precise emotional experiences from general physiological arousal (Barrett, 2017). Young children, and especially kids with ADHD or autism, often experience emotions as big, undifferentiated sensations without clear labels attached.
When you ask "How do you feel?" they genuinely don't know. The feeling exists, but it's formless.
Observable markers:
Your child says "I don't know" with genuine confusion (not defiance)
They describe physical sensations instead ("My stomach feels weird," "I'm tired")
They use only a few emotion words repeatedly ("fine," "bad," "good")
They can't explain why they're upset, even when clearly dysregulated
After meltdowns, they seem confused about what just happened
Real example: Eight year old May comes home from school and goes straight to her room. When her dad asks what's wrong, she says "Nothing" but won't make eye contact. When pressed, she says "I just feel bad." That's all she has. She's not withholding, she's genuinely stuck between the feeling and the words.
What to try instead: Use sensory and visual mapping instead of vocabulary dependent questions. These methods let kids externalize internal states without requiring them to name feelings first.
Try:
"What color is your mood right now?" (visual-sensory entry)
"If your day was weather, what would it be?" (metaphorical mapping)
"Show me with your hands how big that feeling is" (embodied externalization)
Why this works: These questions engage the right hemisphere's pattern recognition and sensory processing systems rather than the left hemisphere's verbal-analytical circuits (Siegel, 2012). Your child doesn't need to name the emotion—they need to locate and describe it through modalities they can access.
From the Feelings in Color workbook: The Color My Mood activity works precisely because it bypasses verbal granularity. Kids create their own emotion palette where anger might be sharp red with jagged edges, or sadness is blurry grey with soft curves. They're building emotional vocabulary through sensory experience, not memorizing a feelings chart.
When Your Child Can't Self-Assess Their Own Internal State (Abstract Reasoning & Metacognition)
What's happening: "How do you feel?" requires metacognition, thinking about your own thinking. It asks your child to step outside themselves, observe their internal state, and report back. This is an abstract reasoning skill that develops gradually and isn't reliably present until around age 8-10 for neurotypical kids, and often later for neurodivergent children (Flavell, 1979).
Before this capacity develops, asking a child to self-assess is like asking them to see the back of their own head without a mirror.
Observable markers:
Your child can describe events but not feelings about events
They parrot back what they think you want to hear
They can answer "What happened?" but not "How did that feel?"
They seem genuinely puzzled when asked to reflect on their own experience
They can identify emotions in others (in books, movies) but not in themselves
Real example: Six year old Jonathan had a rough day at school because a friend said something mean at recess. When his mom asks "How did that make you feel?" he stares blankly. But when she asks "What did your body want to do when he said that?" Jordan immediately answers: "Run away and punch something."
What to try instead: Use action based and projection questions that don't require self-observation.
Try:
"What did your body want to do?" (behavior-based, not feeling-based)
"If that feeling was an animal, what would it be doing right now?" (projection)
"What would your stuffed bear say about your day?" (third-person narrative)
Why this works: These questions engage theory of mind—the ability to understand that others have thoughts and feelings—which develops before metacognitive self-awareness (Wellman, 2018). Kids can imagine what a character or animal might feel before they can accurately assess their own internal state. You're using a developmental strength to access a developmental gap.
For ADHD kids specifically, this is crucial: executive function deficits often mean delayed metacognitive development, making self-assessment significantly harder even when emotional experience is intact (Barkley, 2015).
From the Feelings in Color workbook: The Emotion Tarot Deck activity uses this exact principle. Kids create character cards for their emotions ("The Fog" for confusion, "The Spark" for excited-anxiety), then "pull a card" to identify what's showing up. They're not assessing themselves—they're identifying which character is present. It's projection-based emotional access.
When Timing and Energy State Block Access (Regulation Windows)
What's happening: Sometimes your child does have the capacity to answer—just not right now. When a child is dysregulated, their prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for language, reasoning, and self-reflection) goes offline (Porges, 2011). You're asking a question that requires cortical processing from a nervous system in survival mode.
Additionally, some kids, especially highly sensitive or neurodivergent children, experience social masking all day at school. They're holding it together, performing "okay," and suppressing emotional expression until they hit a safe space (usually home, usually you). The emotional release happens near you, not because of you.
Observable markers:
Your child melts down immediately after school but "was fine all day"
They go nonverbal or monosyllabic when you try to talk
They answer questions an hour later, not in the moment
They perform okayness in public, dysregulate at home
Transitions (school pickup, before bed, after activities) trigger shutdowns
Real example: Ten year old Aisha is chatty and engaged with friends at school. But the second she gets in the car, she's silent. Her dad tries the usual check-in and gets snapped at: "I don't want to talk!" Two hours later, after alone time in her room drawing, she casually mentions that someone copied her project and the teacher didn't believe her when she said something.
What to try instead: Use delayed and parallel processing questions that don't demand immediate response.
Try:
"No words right now—just show me thumbs up, thumbs middle, or thumbs down for how today felt"
"I'm here when you're ready. No rush."
Offer connection through activity, not interrogation: "Want to draw while I make dinner?"
Why this works: This respects the window of tolerance or the zone where a child can process, reflect, and communicate (Siegel, 1999). When they're outside that window (hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused), verbal processing isn't accessible. Parallel activities and non-demand presence allow the nervous system to regulate first, which reopens access to language and reflection.
ADHD kids often need movement before words. The proprioceptive and vestibular input from physical activity literally helps bring the prefrontal cortex back online (Ratey, 2008).
Watch your tone and patterns: If every emotional check-in has historically led to lectures, problem solving you didn't ask for, or judgment, your child has learned that emotional honesty isn't safe. They're not withholding. They're protecting themselves. Trust has to be rebuilt before access reopens, and that is ok and something that can be done with time and consistency.
From the Feelings in Color workbook: The 5-Minute Connection Ritual is designed exactly for this: it's a predictable, low pressure routine that happens after decompression time, not immediately during dysregulation. It includes body based and color based check-ins that don't require full sentences or eye contact.
When Verbal-Analytical Questions Miss How Their Brain Processes (Hemispheric Pathways)
What's happening: "How was your day?" is a left-hemisphere question. It asks for linear narrative, cause/effect sequencing, and verbal articulation. But many kids, especially those who are artistic, spatial thinkers, or right-hemisphere dominant don't process experience that way (McGilchrist, 2009).
They experience the day as sensations, images, impressions, emotional textures. When you ask them to translate that into a verbal timeline, they freeze. It's not that they don't remember or don't have feelings, they're being asked to report in a language their brain doesn't speak fluently yet.
Observable markers:
Your child can draw/act out their day but can't or won’t describe it verbally
They respond better to metaphor than direct questions
They struggle with sequencing ("what happened first, then, then?")
They're highly creative, visual, or musical but "bad at explaining"
They prefer showing you something over telling you about it
Real example: Seven year old Ellis can't answer "What did you do at school today?" But when his mom hands him markers and says "Draw me something from today," he creates an entire visual story with a playground scene with a broken swing, a teacher with a big smile, a lunch table with his favorite friend.
What to try instead: Use narrative, metaphorical, and sensory-symbolic questions that match how their brain organizes information.
Try:
"If today had a soundtrack, what song would it be?"
"Draw me a map of your day. Where were the good spots and the hard spots?"
"What emoji is your brain feeling like right now?"
Why this works: These questions engage right-hemisphere processing: pattern recognition, holistic perception, emotional tone, and imagery (Siegel, 2012). You're not asking for less, you're asking differently. For many kids, this pathway offers more emotional precision than direct verbal report ever could.
This is especially true for autistic children, who may have strong visual-spatial processing but struggle with verbal-sequential demands (Kana et al., 2006).
From the Feelings in Color workbook: The Moodscapes activity lets kids draw their day as a landscape with things like volcano for frustration during math, forest for calm at lunch, storm for the fight with a friend. It's spatial/symbolic/emotional mapping, bypassing verbal-linear reporting entirely. Over time, you'll see patterns you'd never catch with "How was your day?"
A Note on Power Dynamics
Sometimes, the refusal to answer isn't about capacity, it's about autonomy. If every question feels like surveillance or leads to unwanted advice, your child learns that answering means losing control. "I don't know" becomes a boundary, not a limitation.
Watch for: Does your child open up with other adults but not you? Do they share freely with friends? If yes, the pathway isn't the problem—trust and safety in the relationship is.
The fix isn't a better question. It's rebuilding trust by proving you can hold their emotional truth without fixing, correcting, or controlling it.
What To Do Next
If you've read through these sections and still can't figure out which pathway your child needs or if they shut down no matter what you try, that's diagnostic information.
It means one of three things:
Multiple pathways are blocked (common in neurodivergent kids or kids with trauma histories)
The relational trust piece needs repair before any question type will land
Your child needs support you can't DIY… and that's okay
Here's what I recommend:
Can't figure out which pathway your child needs? Let's map it together. In a 20 minute discovery call, we'll identify what's blocking access, which tools match your child's wiring, and what repair might be needed relationally. Book at theparentingcollaborative.com.
Want to try evidence-based tools first? The Feelings in Color workbook gives you 50+ creative entry points across all these pathways—visual mapping, metaphorical questions, body-based check-ins, sensory regulation tools. Every activity is designed for kids who don't fit the "just talk about your feelings" mold. Get it here.
By Lauren Greeno
Child & Adolescent Development Specialist & Parenting Coach | Founder, The Parenting Collaborative
Lauren specializes in helping parents understand invisible dynamics shaping their children’s development and redesigning family systems before patterns calcify into adult identity. With expertise in child development, family systems theory, and trauma-informed parenting, she works with families navigating sibling dynamics, only child considerations, neurodivergence, emotional regulation, and breaking generational patterns.
Work with Lauren: Book a discovery call | Learn more| Instagram | TikTok | Subscribe to Substack
References
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Executive functions, self-regulation, and time. In Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed., pp. 235-276). Guilford Press.
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Flavell, J. H. (1979). Metacognition and cognitive monitoring: A new area of cognitive-developmental inquiry. American Psychologist, 34(10), 906-911. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.34.10.906
Kana, R. K., Keller, T. A., Cherkassky, V. L., Minshew, N. J., & Just, M. A. (2006). Sentence comprehension in autism: Thinking in pictures with decreased functional connectivity. Brain, 129(9), 2484-2493. https://doi.org/10.1093/brain/awl164
McGilchrist, I. (2009). The master and his emissary: The divided brain and the making of the western world. Yale University Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Ratey, J. J. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. Little, Brown and Company.
Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Wellman, H. M. (2018). Theory of mind: The state of the art. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 15(6), 728-755. https://doi.org/10.1080/17405629.2018.1435413
